Friday, April 24, 2009

Floating through the Floodgates

"you say you packed my things
and divided what was mine
you're off to the mountain top
i say her skinny legs could use sun..."

"don't make me scratch on you door
i never left you
for a banjo
i only just turned around for a poodle
and a corvette..."

"i'm trying not to move
it's just your ghost
passing through..."

"there's a light in your platoon
i never seen a light move
like yours
can do to me..."

"but i've got a place to go
i've got a ticket to your late show
and i'm worrying cause even still
you sure are pretty
when you're putting the damage on..."

- Tori Amos, "Putting the Damage On"

My world feels so whackadoodle and topsy-turvy lately that I just feel utterly lost. I don't know what is going on. When that shell cracked and the waters began to flow it just seemed to open up a torrential wellspring of chaos. Not that it's in anyway a negative - quite contrarywise actually - it's just so foreign to me at this point. For so long - the last ten years or so - I have created this Pink Floydesque wall around myself so as to not feel - not let anyone in - not have to exist - but it seems the Universe has been out there chipping away at the mortar and things are starting to cave in.

For the first time in so long I am experiencing what I suppose to be a longing. A want for something more. I have recently been in contact with someone from my past that I had not really considered in more than a passing thought and a well wish in ages. Now nostalgia has set in. Memories have resurfaced. Though things went terribly awry between us back then - I was a psycho and in a very bad place and despite all he did to try to keep up, it just didn't work out; I sent him running for the hills with his tail tucked between his legs - and I can't say that I blame him. Even in light of all that when the times were good, they were amazing. I miss that feeling. I miss that companionship. He's done well for himself and is happy (I think) in his own life as it became and for that I am also happy. We are friends again though we've not seen one another in almost a decade now. That, too, makes me happy.

The whole thing has me wondering though if I will ever find that again... Will it come around twice or was that it? Who knows... It's funny in its own way because I haven't even the slightest chance of a candidate as my life now stands but I can't help but to let these "what ifs" whisper from the shadows... What if I meet someone? (Of course, that would probably involve leaving the house every great once in a while.) What if I find that elusive spark in someone else? What if I allowed myself to be happy this time around? Would it work out? Or would I attack it again with painted black finger nails and rip off the flesh of all that is good like I always tend to do? Destroy it before it destroys me...?

I am almost afraid to ask...