HO!

May all your stockings be stuffed tonight.

A little pure unadulterated Solstice joy for your Monday!

This is from the ever adorable (and sadly, now defunct) Bearforce One.  Even those of you that are not real hip on diggin' the Christmas music scene will have to smile over this one.  It's just too cute.


And if that didn't get your groove on, try shakin' that thing to this one.  I just love, love, love the fun of it all!!!  How can you not?  (And watch for the whoops at 1:10 - too funny!!!)

Happy Solstice Everyone!!!

I'm gettin' nuthin' for Christmas 'cause I aint been nuthin' but dead.

In keeping with the fucked up rabbity general theme of the last video, I thought I would share with you the David Lynchian version of "The 12 Days of Christmas."  I was/am a die hard Twin Peaks fan.  I never missed an episode.  So to find this just really gave me the moist and squishy.  This is not a retro spoof. Recorded for KROQ, it features the famous characters from  Lynch's Twin Peaks series and movie. Cooper, Lucy, Bob, Bobby, Johnny, and Pete Martell. The song was only commercially available in LA, and popped up on radio stations across the country in 1990 (although I never heard it back then). It was only a song then , but the video (below) has it set to memorable scenes from the land of coffee and donuts.

Lyrics and MP3 download available HERE.





You better hope that is, in fact, Santa coming down your chimney in the middle of the night and not Bob!

How better to celebrate the HO-lidays than with singing hookers?

I know it's a crap song from a crap movie - but it's Dolly - and I love it.

Ho!

A friendly seasonal reminder...

Hope you have a DIVINE holiday!!!

More Nutty Goodness - The Balls Edition

Now, let me preface this by sayin' that I am in no way, shape or form a fan of Miss Piggy Deen.  She comes across to me as an obnoxious Yankee with a horribly fake accent masturbating her way to fame with a poorly executed gimmick.  Works my tits OFF.  In fact, when she got wonked in the snout with a flying, frozen ham I think I laughed so hard I shit out my own funny bone.  For your viewing hilarity (she was fine, btw.  Calm down.) here's the video:





That being said, my (unhealthy) obsession with peanut butter far outweighs some jackhole TV personality.  These things are to die for.  I know some of you (Ellie) are allergic to walnuts or pecans as am I.  I usually will just mix the confectioner's sugar with some cocoa powder and roll them in that.  You can also melt down some choclate bars and dip them in that - depending on just how big you want you butt to get for New Year's.

Anyway - without further ado - here is the recipe for

Miss Piggy Deen's Nutty Balls:

Ingredients:
1 cup peanut butter
1 cup honey
2 cups powdered milk
1 1/2 cups crushed cornflakes
1 1/2 cups finely chopped walnuts or pecans
1 cup powdered sugar

Directions:
Mix peanut butter, honey, and milk together in a large bowl to form very thick mixture. Roll mixture in small balls about the size of a walnut. Roll the balls in either the crushed cornflakes, finely chopped nuts, or powdered sugar. Place on waxed paper and refrigerate for 20 minutes.

p.s. A nifty trick for minimizing the mess when measuring PB - stick a cupcake/muffin paper thing or a piece of tin foil in your measuring cup before you cram it with the peanut butter.   Then you can just lift it out and scrape off the PB without getting into a cussing match with your measuring cup for withholding that last li'l bit.

Get Your Grub On!

I know many of you like to bake and cook as much as I do.  These things are SOOOO addiciting.  Give 'em a whirl.  You'll fall in loves!!!

Pass around a tray full of these to your company (or co-workers) on Winter Solstice Eve or Christmas or Happy Thursday Night - or whatever you celebrate.

~Solstice Snowballs~

Ingredients: 1 cup butter (no substitutes),softened; 1/2 cup powdered sugar, 2 cups all-purpose flour, 1 cup ground walnuts, 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract, 1/4 teaspoon salt, 1/2 cup powdered sugar (set aside to roll the baked cookies in).

Preparation: Preheat oven to 400*F. Cream butter, sugar and vanilla extract on high speed until fluffy. Add flour, walnuts & salt. Mix until well combined; roll the dough into small,1-inch balls and place on an ungreased cookie sheet (I line mine with parchment paper). Bake at 400*F for ten minutes. Remove cookies from the pan and roll in the powdered sugar,while still warm.

Recipe yields about 48 cookies.

Tip: a few days before you plan to make them,put the powdered sugar in a tightly closed container together with a whole vanilla bean.The vanilla bean will impart its flavourful essence to the sugar and can then be used in recipes or as a garnish.

[Source]

Snark on this, Santa!

Someone somewhere posted/created/blogged this and then posted it on one of my socially awkward networks - and bodily threatened that were I to be a Scrooge McDick and not pass it along, rabie infested reindeers would fly up my tah-tah (I don't even know what a tah-tah is) and do great heaving damage to my innards whilst chanting the chorus to 'Jerimiah was a Bullfrog."  So, in fear of the wrath of rectum ravaging rabid reindeer, here goes:

What is your favorite Christmas movie?
Now hold onto to your bloomer because this will probably shock the poop right outta your pooter, but I really love It's a Wonderful Life.  Gets me everytime!!!

What is your LEAST favorite Christmas movie?
Pick one - any one - on that damn Lifetime (Not really a) Movie Network.  Hot tranny on a Tricuit they make some kuh-rap on that channel, don't them.  The Three-Legged Dog in Tinsel Who Ate the Ass Raping Christmas Bandit and Saved the Day for all the Limbless Blind Children on Christmas Morn.  WTF?  Just stop.

What is your favorite Christmas song?
I'lla Hava Uh Bluuuuuua Christmasa without Chew...  (Sorry, I love Elvis...) Or that one that Bon Jovi did awhilago where his ass looked so good in the video with that model chick with the growth on her lip...  What was it?  Please come home for Christmas and cut this thing off my face?

What Christmas song(s) drives you crazy?
Anything by those damned Chipmunks.  Singing vermin?  Not so much.  All I want for Christmas is not to get rabies. Where's the Orkin dude?

What is your favorite Christmas drink? (i.e. egg nog, hot chocolate)
Homemade Hot Cocoa, I guess.  I dunno.  But you really do not want to imbibe this bunny.  It gets not so cute.

What is your favorite Christmas memory?
My first Christmas with my ex-husband was a hoot.  He had grown up in state care and had never had a tree or stockings or any of that stuff... I hid EVERYthing until Christmas Eve and set it all up after he'd gone to bed.  We lived in an old, old house and the only heat was in the front room so he woke up to a fully decked out Drag Queen Christmas.  Was like watching a little kid.  Then the cat did her flying squirrel routine RIGHT INTO THE TREE and knocked the whole thing over on top of us...  Haven't laughed THAT hard in a long while...

What is the best toy/gift you've received on Christmas?
I was homeless the year I was 15, and staying in a laundromat to keep warm.  It was hella cold that year.  And some gal came in, her name was Natalie, and we got to talking.  She took me back to her home - a total stranger - and I spent that Christmas Eve with her and her family.  It touched me so deeply and has stayed with me always.

What is the worst toy/gift you've received on Christmas?
I got a leopard print, cow shaped (with udders) coffee mug one year.  I actually am rather fond of it and do seem to recall squealing in unadulterated and tasteless joy when I received it - but is sure is a big ol' honkin' wad of tacky (which is probably why I love it - only sparkles could make it betterer).

What do you LOVE about the holidays?
There is not much I don't love about the holidays.  I am one of those people.  I do not care for the Holiday Edition People of Wal-Mart though - that is a whole lot of hateful WTF and put yo' damn teef in yo' face.

What annoys you about the holidays?
Annoys?  Not much.  Freaks me the fuck out?  Grown ass men in red velvet disguise coercing the random small child to sit on their lap and whisper in his ear.  You keep your damned fur trimmed goodie sack away from my little Timmy's toy caboose - you scary ass bearded dude!!!

"Mr. Manson, it's time to go back to your cell now..."

Do you prefer star or angel on top of a Christmas tree? Or something else?
I usually put a stocking cap on my.  What if the poor tree's noggin' gets cold sitting there blinkin' and sparklin' all month??? Poor thing.

What is your family favorite recipe at Christmas?
Mimi's Smokin' Puddin'!!!  Really more for the memory now than the munchery - but I do loves me some smokin' puddin'!

Are you a Grinch or a Who at Christmastime?
I am a Hooey Grinch!  But I don't Grinch much, really.  The Grinchity ones usually tell me to shove it up my hooter before it's all said and done.

Christmas light displays - Love them or Hate them?
Love love love.  I am a retired Drag Queen, c'mon now.  Like you have to ask.  Hell I think I have WORN Christmas lights at one point (or twenty).  "If you wanna make it, twinkle while ya shake it!"  (Name THAT tune!)

Santas at the mall - Fun times or Creepy?
Lordes, Jesus, Marie and Jose.  It think I covered this one already.

Christmas cards - do you send them, yes or no?
I usually make my own and send them.  But being a broke ass Ho (Ho Ho) with no room at my inn and the governmentally postal bastards butt poking you and wanting to get licked at fitty cents a pop - all you get from me this year is a "Yo Ho!  Make it happy!"

What is the best thing about Christmas, in your opinion?
I love that at least for a little while each year (most) everyone takes the giant peppermint stick out of their ass and treats each other just a little bit nicer, smile just a little bit more, and hugs their Mamas. 

What is the worst thing about Christmas?
Oh let's not. Shall we?  Can't we just have bests?  I think so.  Worsts give me gas and make me say "fuck" and "shit" and "well, damn it" a lot.

When do you put the tree up and take it down?
I would put it up on my birthday if I could (in June!!!) and decorate it hot pink and orange until after Maim, Slaughter & Eat Day - but people get annoyed with me and my decorations.  (I hung decapitated doll heads with Indian headdresses on it one year to make a point.  People were pointedly offended.)  Then I would deck it out for Christmas.  I never take it down until after Epiphany at the very earliest, though.

Out of the 12 Days of Christmas, which day and item would you want your true love to give to you?
I'll take an order of 11 Pipers Piping - but only if they're cute - and well versed in their pipery!

Why do you think that Grandma got run over by a reindeer?
It was a conspiracy.  That creepy ass perv in the red suit and plastic beard from the mall shoved her into oncoming traffic because she taught her kids to "just say NO!" (and kick 'im in the nads!)

Who is your favorite reindeer?
The snarky one with the bad teeth and twisted sense of humour?  Oh wait, am I a reindeer???

Do you believe in Santa Claus?
As long as I can yank on his beard to verify his authenticity!

What is your favorite smell at Christmastime?
Anything other than ball sweat in pantyhose??? 

What would make you happy at Christmas this year?
Peace, love and hair grease!  And Ally McBeal.

Okie dokie... 

Well, that was fun. 

Now that you have read, you have to do - or I am sending those frothy mouthed ass reindeer your way. 

You better watch out.  I know when you are sleeping. 

And I don't even have to wear the creepy red disguise!

Now THAT'S decorating!!!

Received from my sister via email.  Not sure where it originates from - but it's a riot!

"Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever.Great stories. But two things made me take it down.


First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.


Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard."

Mary, Did You Know?

You're all familiar with the Christmas song, "The Twelve Days of Christmas," I think. To most it's a delightful nonsense rhyme set to music. But it had a quite serious purpose when it was written.

It is a good deal more than just a repetitious melody with pretty phrases and a list of strange gifts.

Catholics in England during the period 1558 to 1829, when Parliament finally emancipated Catholics in England, were prohibited from ANY practice of their faith by law - private OR public. It was a crime to BE a Catholic.

"The Twelve Days of Christmas" was written in England as one of the "catechism songs" to help young Catholics learn the tenets of their faith - a memory aid, when to be caught with anything in writing indicating adherence to the Catholic faith could not only get you imprisoned, it could get you hanged, or shortened by a head - or hanged, drawn and quartered, a rather peculiar and ghastly punishment I'm not aware was ever practiced anywhere else. Hanging, drawing and quartering involved hanging a person by the neck until they had almost, but not quite, suffocated to death; then the party was taken down from the gallows, and disembowelled while still alive; and while the entrails were still lying on the street, where the executioners stomped all over them, the victim was tied to four large farm horses, and literally torn into five parts - one to each limb and the remaining torso.

The songs gifts are hidden meanings to the teachings of the faith. The "true love" mentioned in the song doesn't refer to an earthly suitor, it refers to God Himself. The "me" who receives the presents refers to every baptized person. The partridge in a pear tree is Jesus Christ, the Son of God. In the song, Christ is symbolically presented as a mother partridge which feigns injury to decoy predators from her helpless nestlings, much in memory of the expression of Christ's sadness over the fate of Jerusalem: "Jerusalem! Jerusalem! How often would I have sheltered thee under my wings, as a hen does her chicks, but thou wouldst not have it so..." 

The other symbols mean the following: 

2 Turtle Doves = The Old and New Testaments
3 French Hens = Faith, Hope and Charity, the Theological Virtues
4 Calling Birds = the Four Gospels and/or the Four Evangelists
5 Golden Rings = The first Five Books of the Old Testament, the "Pentateuch", which gives the history of man's fall from grace.
6 Geese A-laying = the six days of creation
7 Swans A-swimming = the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, the Seven Sacraments
8 Maids A-milking = the eight Beatitudes
9 Ladies Dancing = the nine Fruits of the Holy Spirit
10 Lords A-leaping = the Ten Commandments
11 Pipers Piping = the eleven faithful Apostles
12 Drummers Drumming = the twelve points of doctrine in the Apostle's Creed

Also, as it is commonly believed, the 12 Days themselves are NOT the days leading up to Christmas, but inversely begin on the day AFTER Christmas, December 26th - leading up to Epiphany on January 6th.

Useless Jeopardy trivia for ya!