Thursday, October 30, 2008
Twas the evening of Samhain, and all through the place
Were Pagans preparing the ritual space
The candles were set in the corners with care,
In hopes that the Watchtowers soon would be there
We all had our robes on, as is habitual
And had just settled down and were starting our ritual
When out on the porch there arose such a chorus
That we went to the door and waiting there for us
Were children in costumes of various kinds
With visions of chocolates bright in their minds.
In all of our working, we’d almost forgot,
But we had purchased candy, we’d purchased a Lot
And so, as they flocked from all over the street,
They all got some chocolate or something else sweet.
We didn’t think twice of delaying our rite
Kids just don’t have this much fun every night
For hours they came, with the time-honored schtick,
Of giving a choice: a treat or a trick.
As is proper, the parents were there for the games,
Watching the children and calling their names.
“on Vader, On Leia,
On Dexter and DeeDee,
On Xena, on Buffy,
On Casper and Tweety!
To the block of apartments on the neighboring road
You’ll get so much candy, you’ll have to be towed!
The volume of children eventually dropped,
And as it grew darker, it finally stopped.
But as we prepared to return to our rite
One child more stepped out of the night.
She wouldn’t have been more than twelve or thirteen.
Her hair was deep red, and her robe, forest green
With a simple gold cord tying off at the waist.
She’d a staff in her had and a smile on her face.
No make-up, nor mask, or accompanying kitsch,
So we asked who she was; she replied, “A Witch”
And no, I don’t fly through the sky on my broom,
I only use that thing for cleaning my room.
My magical powers aren’t really that neat,
And I wont threaten tricks; I’ll just ask for a treat”.
We found it refreshing, so we gave incense cones,
A candle, a crystal, a few other stones.
And the rest of the candy which might fill a van.
She turned to her father, a man dressed as Pan
And laughed, “Yes, I know Dad, it’s past time for bed”,
And started to leave, but she first turned and said,
I’m sorry for further delaying your rite.
Blessed Samhain to all, and a magical night.
Interesting bit of Trivia here:
The Celtic Year is split in 2 halves, Summer's Beginning (Beltane) and Summers' End (Samhain). The position of the Pleiades (also known as the Sieve or an Criathar in Irish) in the sky is the marker for the seasons. Samhain begins when the Pleiades rise at sunset.
The Pleiades' high visibility in the night sky has guaranteed it a special place in many cultures, both ancient and modern.
To the Greeks, they are the Seven Sisters.
To the Vikings, they are Freya's Hens
To the Maori, they are Matariki
To the Ban Raji, in western Nepal and northern India, they are the "Seven sisters-in-law and one brother-in-law"
To the Japanese, they are known as Subaru
In Arabic, they are known as al-Thurayya
In the Bible, they are mentioned as Khima and Talmud
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Via The Witches' Voice [aka WitchVox.com].
Posted: September 9th. 2007
Times Viewed: 3,819
Hedgewitchery is a combination of Traditional Witchcraft (NOT Wicca) and Shamanism, with herbalism, healing, and a deep love for nature added to the mix.
Hedgewitchery is loosely based on the old wise woman (and man) Tradition. The wise woman Tradition is, quite possibly, the oldest eclectic magickal tradition. If you think “wise woman” and picture the strange old lady who sold herbs and magickal charms, acted as midwife and healer in the ancient times, you are not far off.
This tradition never truly died out, and in recent years, more and more people are turning to it and adapting it to modern times.
The word "Hedgewitch" may come from the Saxon word for Witch, haegtessa, which translates to "hedge-rider". The Old Norse lay Havamal refers to "hedge-riders, witching aloft".
Some may spell it with a capitol H, and some do not. Others will use a spelling such as “hedgewytch”. A few other names attached to this Craft: Hedge-Rider, Night Travelers, Myrk-Riders, Gandreidh (wand-rider), and Walkers on the Wind.
In the past, towns, villages and farmsteads had fences and hedgerows marking the boundary of the town, keeping the wilderness out. Crossing the hedge meant walking into the wild, where predatory animals, and all manner of fae creatures lived.
Back in the old times, many people never traveled more than a few miles from where they were born, and even then, they stuck to the roads and well-known paths of traders and huntsmen.
For the Hedgewitch, the hedge is a metaphor for the line drawn between this world and the next, between reality and dream, between the Upper, Middle, and Lower Worlds.
In the old days, the wise woman or Hedgewitch lived on the edges of the community, often on the other side of the town’s boundary hedge. They scratched out a living through herbalism, understanding nature, prophecy and divination as well as magick and healing.
The Hedgewitch served her community in many ways including but not only; midwifery, healing, protection spells, house blessings, crop and livestock blessings, through the selling of magickal charms and even curses. A Hedgewitch might sell one member of her community a small curse or ill-wish one day, and then charge its victim a fee to break the curse the next. The Hedgewitch was respected, and likely a little feared, because of these abilities, and because they had such a close relationship with nature and the magickal world.
Hedgewitches use herbs and shamanic techniques, such as drumming and meditation, to induce altered states of consciousness. They work with familiar spirits, their ancestral dead, plant and animal Totems to assist in their Otherworld work.
Hedgewitches often refer to shamanic journeys as “walking the hedge” or “crossing the hedge”. They also have a tendency to spend much of their lives with one foot on either side of the hedge, which makes them eccentric to say the least.
A Hedgewitch walks freely into caol ait (Gaelic), the “thin places” between one world and another. More experienced Hedgewitches learn not only to find such places, but how to use them effectively and how to open them even when the Veil is at its thickest between the sabbats.
For the Hedgewitch there is no separation between normal life and their magickal one, for their normal life is magickal.
In modern times, a Hedgewitch is usually found outside the city, perhaps on an acreage or farm, often practicing by her self or perhaps within the family. They work much as the old wise women of old, helping neighbors, friends and family with ailments, shamanic healing and even blessing the odd field.
Hedgewitches will work a lot in cultivated fields, gardens and farmsteads, but often prefer time spent in the woods and other wild areas. A Gardenwitch, Greenwitch or Kitchenwitch may work mostly in her cultivated garden; a Hedgewitch will likely spend more of her time gathering her herbs and such from the wild places. Although the practices have changed quite a lot, you will find most Hedgewitches practice as close to traditionally as possible in these modern times.
Hedgewitches are very adaptable. You may find a Hedgewitch casting an old-fashioned prosperity or fertility spell on a modern tractor as a favor to a neighbor, for example.
The main distinction between Hedgewitchery and other forms of Witchcraft is that Hedgewitches have less interest in the religious/ceremonial aspects of Coven or group Witchcraft, having an individual and often unique way of relating to life, spirituality and Creation.
A Hedgewitch is less likely to perform formal magickal workings, preferring simpler folk, or low, magic. The only tradition Hedgewitches typically follow is a reverence for Nature, though some may come from a more formal Pagan path originally.
Most Hedgewitches do what ever comes natural to them; they follow their instincts, and their heart. Most use few made man objects in their spells and rituals. Their tools are typically very practical, such as a walking stick or pruning shears, and their tools are hand made by them as much as possible. They avoid complicated formulated magick, practicing an earthy and simple form of ritual and magick. Some Hedgewitches do not cast Circles when practicing outdoors, for they feel it cuts them off from nature.
Hedgewitches usually study herbalism with gusto, as well as seeking knowledge and understanding of the ways of Nature, the cycle of the seasons and the wildlife and plant-life in their area.
Hedgewitches will not only know how to grow herbs in a garden, but also where and how they grow in the wild and how to gather them. They usually have a great deal of lore on trees and plane life, animals and the wilderness in general. Healing, divination, the use of trance inducing herbs and all manner of fertility rites are also a part of this Tradition.
Hedgewitches tailor their Tradition to suit themselves. Some may focus on herbalism, others study midwifery; some may practice reiki, and others may be well versed in healing with crystals. Some Hedgewitches may choose to be a jack-of-all-trades, but a master of none.
Sadly, there are few men called to this Path, and this may or may not change over time.
While Hedgewitchery is typically a solitary path, this is not always so. Even the most hermit-like Hedgewitch can still be found at local Pagan events. Also, some of their practices, especially the shamanic ones, require a trusted friend to watch over their body while their soul is elsewhere.
Hedgewitches are unlikely to become involved with Witch wars within the community, and depending on the individual’s personality, are more likely to prefer maintaining friendly relations with the majority of the Pagan community. Some may have friends or domestic partners who follow another Pagan or Heathen path, and they will often happily join in any ritual or activity if invited.
Spirituality in Hedgewitches varies and depends on the individual; usually they look to their own heritage and ancestry. Most commonly, Hedgewitches practice some form of NeoPaganism. The daily spiritual practice of a Hedgewitch will be adapted to her individual abilities, interests and life style.
One Hedgewitch may start her mornings offering up prayers of thanksgiving to her gods as she collects eggs from the chicken coop. Another Hedgewitch may spend her mornings in quiet meditation on her patio; sipping tea and watching the deer graze in her lawn. A third Hedgewitch may say a quick prayer at the household shrine before racing off to work.
So what the heck IS a Hedgewitch anyways?
Some people may prefer rural and/or wild settings and be a little wild themselves. They may be looking for a Shamanic Witchcraft Tradition that leans heavily on natural magic, understanding the wilderness and the practice of healing lore. They may have little interest in organized religion. They may wish to blaze their own Path, like the wise women of old.
They may just be 'Hedgewitches'.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Samhain means "summer's end". Celebrations, rituals and rites occur from Oct 31 to the middle of November in an effort to accept and usher in the dark half of the year. The mysteries of the veil deepen as it thins between the worlds of the living and the dead. It is also the time of year when the Pleiades, or Seven Sisters, come closest to the earth and we feel their presence.
In the Celtic tradition, the Oak King gives way to the Holly King. The Oak King represents the virility of Summer, having mated with the May Queen and created the fruits of summer. But his time has passed and so the Oak King takes his crown and watches over the kingdom while the Goddess takes her rest, only to rise again in the spring.
This is a time of letting go. A perfect time to break bad habits. If you want change in your life, you need to make space for it. Rituals using fire: burning lists, pictures, or any other icon of negative patterns in your life have extra potency at this time of year. "
The Caileach emerges as a central figure in the Samhain Rituals. She connects us with our ancestors, reaching through the veil to bring us face to face with our own mortality. On the threshold of the dark half of the year, she offers lessons about the darkness.
At Samhain, we learn to embrace separation and death. We allow to die that which is no longer useful to us. We clear away debris, anything that is no longer relevant. We let the fields of our inner landscape lie fallow. By doing so, we align ourselves with the cosmic cycle of death and rebirth."
Beyond the physical cleaning, take the time to cleanse the house of any negative vibrations as well. One of our traditions is to invite over a few select friends, or members of your coven, and have a cleansing party. Here is what we do:
Starting widdershins, we have each person add a palmful of Celtic Sea Salt to each corner of the house and say "cleanse and bless, cleanse and bless, may all who dwell here live happiest." Then have each person dip a small bouquet of Lavender (our herb garden) and shake sacred well water (we use Glastonbury Water)into each corner and over the threshold saying the blessing. We then give all a wand of White Sage Wand and cedar grass dipped in Frankincense and camphor oils to burn and use the smoke to (smudge) seal the windows and doors of the house saying "only good may enter here." Finally, each person stands with a lit white candle, grouped into the corners of the house and chants 3 times "bless all who enter, may they find the peace they seek."
We then sweep up the salt and bury it along with the wands, sprinkling a bit of the water over the mound.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
darkening your circle
into your flash light fallacies
assaulted like a rape victim on
new year's eve
left to heave and bleed
in the snow
when i realized
the blood on my hands
and between my thighs
was my own
so with it
i decorate my own
smearing crimson arcs
across the landscape
of the fake world
i have created
to hide from the hurt
of the real one
changing my name
the demons within
© 2008 by MCChadwick
I am leaving to substitute teach to day. I didnt work yesterday and got yelled at by a secretary who has a job because she couldnt answer questions. I am not owrking much so I get to wonder why people get to be rude to new comers. NO NO there is no good to coem from arguing at site where you application is beign considered for a high paying job because a rude office assistant cant answer a question. Today shoudl be good .. 2nd grade. The sun is out. I promise to learn to upload fotos. namaste friends and members
And from their profile:
Official job, in life as we know it: teacher
This is what is teaching our youth? No wonder we are facing our current state of affairs... Sad. Disturbing. Downright frightening. Makes you wonder if home schooling is not a more beneficial route. It also makes me wonder if the poster did not get the job because of the rude office assistant or because said poster is a flaming idiot.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Since I no longer have my Tribe or Ning places for y'all to lurk about and glean insight from (ha ha!) a few of you had asked that I post this here. This is just a cross post of the one on Facebook, so if you have already seen it, oh well. Will also be posted on STTLG, as well.
I usually work with my voodoo cards, so that is probably what I will be using the most often. They are never much further away than arms reach. This morning, there is weird energy running around my house. Started last night... Connie was in the living room and thought I was talking to her. T'wasn't me. I was in the back. Also got a whiff of the Onion Man. Have no idea who he is but every so often I just get the strongest smell of Green Onions, and then stuff goes all willy nilly. I suspect it may be because we are coming out of the retrograde and Samhain is just around the corner... Who knows. Samhain is WAY late this year too - November 7th...
Anyway - this morning I pulled the Magick Mirror, which, oddly enough (or maybe not) callus up occult powers, the moon, magic and sorcery. Interesting. It is a metaphor for the "other side" where the spirits reside. It calls us to make our eyes see - really see - not just look around. We must strive to not just SEE the world - but see into it. We're often blinded but the normalcy and routine that is our lives that we miss what is really going on and what the Universe is offering to us. For me, personally, this is very true right not. I tend to get so busy in getting things done lately that I miss all the glory that is happening around me. An old practice that Big Mama (my great-grandmother and mentor) used to have us do was to sit and watch our reflections until they began to move - and then to look BEYOND the mirror at what visions were swimming up.
So I think with this card today maybe we should just take a minute to hit the pause button. Look around. Listen. Enjoy. The magic is strong in the world right now and if we just take the time to chill out and embrace it, I feel that there are many, many joys to be had.
Kinda like the mystical version of stopping to smell the roses.
Carve three Jack O' Lanterns. Each one should have a different face. They can be a happy face, a sad face, a peaceful face, an angry face, a scary face, and so on.
Place the three lighted pumpkins facing you in a semicircle. In the dark, begin to gaze at the faces. Ask that you may be shown in the flame something that in the past that will guide you in the present. relax and half-close your eyes, blinking when necessary.
You may see in the faces your beloved family members that have passed. You may sense their presence and feel a gentle wind or see a picture in your minds eye from the past. Nothing can harm you here. For you are merely connecting to family love that never dies.
Close you eyes and meditate on each face. Listen for the voices of your ancestors. This is the night of the year when it is easiest to make contact with the past dimensions and encounter those that can guide you to wise choices in the future. What you may encounter is your own evolved soul that can access the wisdom of other times and places.
When you are ready to end the experience, thank whomever you visited with. "Go in peace. May you be blessed on your own paths of wisdom." Burn some sage incense.
Name each ancestor who comes to mind and say " May they be blessed and protected." Don't forget to include yourself. If you still harbor resentments with anyone who has come forward, you may ask for forgiveness and to forgive at this time.
Smudge the room and yourself. Take the Jack O'Lanterns and place them in windows, letting the candles burn out.
You might be a little sensitive during this Moon. Unfortunately, everyone else is too. If you find yourself in deep water now, look to your intuition to get you out. The real issues are often hidden on Cancer Moon days, or dealt with sideways. People tend to circle the emotional wagons, reach for their antacids, and privately nurse their wounds. The collective unconscious is four years old and wants its mommy. Go ahead, seek nurture today. It's like that children's story where the baby bird, tumbled from its nest, quizzes all comers, "Are you my mother?" Only you're looking for the World Mother. You'll find her in a cozy place where you feel safe and loved; in a cup of tea, a mid-day retreat to your bed or a smile from a friend. Whether or not you have issues, it's a good Moontime for sharpening your emotional intelligence. Distinguish foods that nourish (both real and symbolic) from those that bring heartburn.
In Tradition, the Sabbat dates fall upon a date during which the Sun is in a certain degree of a specific astrological house. While the astrological dates might be more technical, what with having the planetary layout and subsequent astrological influences to one's advantage, neither date of celebration is considered "wrong".
Following is the astrological date chart, and the astrological dates of each Sabbat.
Samhain: Sun is at 15° Scorpio
Yule: Sun is at 1° Capricorn
Imbolc: Sun is at 15° Aquarius
Ostara: Sun is at 1° Aries
Beltaine: Sun is at 15° Taurus
Litha: Sun is at 1° Cancer
Lammas: Sun is at 15° Leo
Mabon: Sun is at 1° Libra
Imbolc 2008: February 4
Ostara 2008: March 21
Beltaine 2008: May 5
Litha 2008: June 22
Lammas 2008: August 7
Mabon 2008: September 23
Samhain 2008: November 7
Yule 2008: December 22
Imbolc 2009: February 4
Ostara 2009: March 22
Beltaine 2009: May 6
Litha 2009: June 23
Lammas 2009: August 8
Mabon 2009: September 24
Samhain 2009: November 8
Yule 2009: December 23
Friday, October 17, 2008
When Felipe’s, proprietor of New Orleans’ best $5 plates slung up like prison slop, announced that it was opening a second location on the corner of Decatur and North Peters streets, I chalked it up to divine providence. Ditto for La Divina, whose new Place d’Armes outpost makes the city’s finest gelato fix an any-hour possibility. (Although I will miss scoffing at those poor, misguided souls sitting outside of Sucré, crowing over a costlier and inferior product while subsidizing the sweet boutique’s stainless steel Sub-Zeros and travertine trimmings.) But the news of Iris Restaurant’s impending Bienville House relocation — technically not a franchise, I’m aware, but Carrollton’s loss is still the Quarter’s gain, and on behalf of Sixth Warders from Rampart Street to the river, allow me to say: nanny nanny boo boo — has me considering more scientific conspiracy theories. How else to explain the great Vieux Carré migration of so many favorite eateries? Maybe some physics-minded foodie and St. Philip Street denizen designed a gastro-magnet in his fourth-floor attic? Or could the city actually be folding up on itself, Stephen Hawking-style? Whatever the reason, it seems to be the epicurean equivalent of running up the score — after all, we already lay claim to arguably the best fine-dining (Stella!), diner fare (Clover Grill), patisserie (Croissant d’Or), seafood (GW Fins), coffeeshop (Café du Monde), steakhouse (Dickie Brennan’s), burger joint (Port of Call) and convenience-store-deli health violations (Verti Marte) in the Croissant City limits. Plus, ever since the Delachaise quietly kicked open the doors of its North Rampart digs in August, we’ve had the market cornered on domestic beer denial and brusque French bartenders, too. Coming soon: $14 tapas supremacy. Your serve, Uptown.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
danced to death
in the faerie circle
i dared to re enter
waiting for the mother's ship
to flutter by
and carry me
from this mud trodden
i feel my back cracking
in glorious rebellion
and i realize i can fly
to my family and away
from these earth bound
fae ways of judgement
and i suddenly
singing to save
and uniting our own
in a cacophonous flight
of butterfly magic
© 2008 by MCChadwick
I didn't kill my daughter
Blue Bus passenger
when we hit the speed bump
Easter Eggs spattered
like a cum stain on a
one night stand
wipe your eyes
spit or swallow
a thousand sons
kin and grandkids
dying on your
it was not my control
to wield or relinquish
the razor blade gulp
caught me unawares
leaving me in the same cloud
of dust and exhaust
by its glory and finality
broken limbed and bleeding
entrails draped over your judgement
and the ropes binding me to your stake
© 2008 by MCChadwick
Anyway - check this article out and then check out the movies. Well worth your time to waste!
Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho not only jumpstarted the modern horror film, it also introduced a new kind of villain to movie audiences – the transexual killer. The climactic image of a crazed, knife wielding Norman Bates, dressed up like mommy was a perverse shock for the conservative movies audiences of the early sixties. Infused with the kind of psycho-sexual undercurrents that shockmeister filmmakers love to exploit, the Trans-Killer sub-genre grew out of the matchbook psychobabble on serial killers that began to proliferate after Psycho’s success and the sensational true life crimes of crazy fuckers like Ed Gein and the Zodiac Killer... More...
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Unfortunately, this has been a quest in failure. People - by default - are shits. The occasional awesomeness is a total fluke.
Who knew that when I deleted my account(s) on these dumb networking sites it would there by render me non-existent or - better yet - an asshole. What a trip.
And I love all the drama that went down over at Tribe Refugees with the porn ads and chaos. The site got deemed "Adult Content" because people were posting inappropriate photos for the TOU of the site. A day before I had blogged (on there) about some NASTY bitch posting photos of close ups of her un-mowed crotch in soggy panties and how it about made me lose my lunch. The next day Ning swooped in. So I was being accused of turning in the greasy pud's pictures - which I did NOT do. I merely changed my log in to my actual profile rather than the main page so I didn't have to see whatever people were posting and left it at that. But then - and here's the kicker - I ALSO got accused of having illicit photos on my profile - which I did NOT have - and single handedly causing the censorship. When I responded to this attack, I was called out by the moderator of the group - and then a separate thread was posted (by said moderator) demanding respect and telling (me) not to overreact. Sorry but I don't take false accusations against myself in a public forum lightly. So - well - from yesterday's post you can see just how well I overreacted. My question is - how could I have HAD the porn in question - AND reported the porn in question - and gotten the network locked down. Maybe I am missing something but it makes no sense to me. Fuck 'em and feed 'em fish.
But what I am loving the most about all of this is that now my "friends" from these damned sites are completely treating me like I have the plague. I have written to a few of them and - at best - am getting one or two word responses - if anything at all.
So - in this derailed rambling ass blog I guess what it boils down to is this. People suck. Ass. A lot. Don't trust 'em. Don't believe in 'em. It's all bullshit. But I guess that's what you get for befriending people hiding behind some online profile. If they have that much time to sit in front of a computer all day long it should give pause as to why they aren't out there interacting with actual humans in the Real World.
I am a rock star...
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
On with the attrocity!
I just took a Rabbit sized bulldozer and leveled a whole mess of bullshit this morning. Was a member of Tribe for the last couple of years and - total understatement here - it's slowly gone to utter shit. So, like most of the Tribers, I migrated over to "Tribe Refugees" on Ning. In theory, this was a good idea. It was similar enough to Tribe that you kept the same contacts and the same basic feel as Tribe. The problem was it was so open and this massive infestation of Trolls and Dickcheese also came with it. Another problem is that with it being an Open Network, there were rules that one had to follow in order for it to remain open and not be classified as an Adult Network. Well, you know how well Rotten Twatted Trolls can be... So that didn't last long. Yesterday it was deemed adult content by the powers that be at Ning. Fun stuff. And then the ruckus began and the Cyber Roaches came out in full force - bitching and moaning and attacking and just causing all matters of general horseshit. I even got personally attacked in one of the groups I belong to by some Pus Rocket (regarding blowjob photos and some such shit about zoo monkeys)!!! I - still - have no idea what she was talking about... Maybe this bitch missed her meds... Or maybe she took too many - who knows...
So - with Tribe not working and Ning becoming something like a bit of used ass paper floating in an unflushed toilet - in true Rabbit Fashion I just said FUCK IT ALL and deleted everything on both websites and closed my accounts.
Aint overreaction fun??? (It felt good actually.)
Social networking should be an enjoyable experience. Not something that rolls up your morning newspaper and ass fucks you with it on a daily basis. I can give myself paper cuts if that's the case.
Done. Over it.
Delete. Delete. Delete.
The people that matter I still have contact with - the ones that don't - well I don't mind that they don't matter.
Onward and upward. Time to move on.
Good riddance to bad rubbish.
*peers out window*
Wonder what the Real World is like these days....
Saturday, October 11, 2008
I remember the days leading up to my incarceration everyone kept telling me not to worry. It was all going to be okay. I wouldn't really go to jail. But some part of me knew such was not the case. In my soul I knew I would. I really think it freaked everyone else out more than me. At some level I had already accepted it and made as much peace as I could with the whole idea.
And then - there I was. Locked up. And, truth be told, I didn't mind it. Worst part of it was the constant racket and lights on all the damn time - but other than that, no biggie. I fell into the routine so quickly. I went to "work." I did my job. It was a routine. I knew what to expect. I knew what was expected of me. I spent my days counting the hours until my release.
Yet when that day came - I didn't want to go home. I remember sitting there that morning at about 4 a.m. wishing - hoping - something would come up and they wouldn't let me go. That maybe someone somewhere had screwed something up and I would have to stay longer. No such luck. Five o'clock came and my name was called and within the hour I was back on the outside. And I couldn't have been more disappointed.
Though I wouldn't do anything to go back (now) and it's not my desire to be in jail - I do still visit those feelings. I am really not sure what it was that appealed to me so much. A combination of stability and routine that was so contradictory to my life as it was on the outside? A freedom from the lunacy of the people in my life? I don't know.
I'm glad I went. I won't go back. But I am glad I went.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
A friend of mine sent this to me via email. While I can't seem to find out who the original author of the letter is, it is one of the most accurate accounts of what I, personally, go through. While reading it I kept nodding my head and saying to myself, "Yes... Yes." If you are one of those that lives with or knows someone dealing with chronic pain, this might offer some insight. If you are one of us living with it ourselves, you will certainly appreciate its candor.
And if anyone knows who initially wrote this or where it came from, please let me know.
[photo: "Knot" © 2006 - 2008 by Vidi on Deviant Art]
Letter to people without chronic pain:
Having chronic pain means many things change, and a lot of them are invisible. Unlike having cancer or being hurt in an accident, most people do not understand even a little about chronic pain and its affects, and of those that think they know, many are actually misinformed.
In the spirit of informing those who wish to understand:
These are the things that I would like you to understand about me before you judge me.
Please understand that being sick doesn’t mean I’m not still a human being. I have to spend most of my day in considerable pain and exhaustion, and if you visit, sometimes I’m not much fun to be with, but I’m still me– stuck inside this body. I still worry about school, my family, my friends, and most of the time, I’d like to hear you talk about yours too.
Please understand the difference between “happy” and “healthy.” When you’ve got the flu, you probably feel miserable with it, but, I’ve been sick for years. I can’t be miserable all the time. In fact, I work hard not being miserable. So, if your talking to me and I sound happy, it means I’m happy. That’s all. It doesn’t mean that I’m not in a lot of pain, or extremely tired, or that I’m getting better, or, any of those things. Please don’t say, “Oh, you’re sounding better!” or “But, you look so healthy!” I am merely coping. I am sounding happy and trying to look “normal.” If you want to comment on that, you’re welcome.
Please understand that being able to stand up for ten minutes doesn’t necessarily mean that I can stand up for twenty minutes or an hour. Just because I managed to stand up for thirty minutes yesterday doesn’t mean that I can do the same today. With a lot of diseases you’re paralyzed and can’t move. With this one, it gets more confusing everyday. It can be like a yo yo. I never know from day to day how I am going to feel when I wake up. In most cases, I never know from minute to minute. This is one of the hardest and most frustrating components of chronic pain.
Thats what chronic pain does to you.
Please understand that chronic pain is variable. It’s quite possible (for many, it’s common) that one day I am able to walk to the park and back, while the next day I’ll have trouble getting to the next room. Please don’t attack me when I’m ill by saying ” You did it before” or “oh I know you can do this!” If you want me to do something, ask if I can. In a similar vein, I may need to cancel a previous commitment at the last minute. If this happens, please do not take it personally. If you are able, please try to always remember how very lucky you are to be physically able to do all of the things that you can do.
Please understand that the “getting out and doing things” does not make me feel better, and can often make me seriously worse. You don’t know what I go through or how I suffer in my own private time. Telling me that I need exercise, or do some things to “get my mind off of it” may frustrate me to tears and is not correct. If I was capable of doing some things any or all of the time, don’t you think I would?
I am working with my doctor and I am doing what I am supposed to do.
Another statement that hurts is: “You just need to push yourself more, try harder.” Chronic pain can affect the whole body or be localized to specific areas. Sometimes participating in a single activity for a short or a long period of time can cause more damage and physical pain than you could ever imagine. Not to mention the recovery time, which can be intense. You can’t always read it on my face or in my body language. Also, chronic pain may cause secondary depression (wouldn’t you get depressed and down if you were hurting constantly for months or years?), but it is not created by depression.
Please understand that if I have to sit down, lie down, stay in bed, or take these pills now, that probably means that I do have to do it right now. It can’t be put off of forgotten just because I’m somewhere or I in the middle of doing something. Chronic pain does not forgive, nor does it wait for anyone.
If you want to suggest a cure to me, please don’t. It’s not because I don’t appreciate the thought, and it’s not because I don’t want to get well. Lord knows that isn’t true. In all likelihood if you’ve heard of it or tried it, so have I. In some cases, I have been made sicker, not better. This can involve side effects or allergic reactions. It also has includes failure, which in and of itself can make me feel even lower. If there was something that cured, or even helped people with my form of chronic pain, then we’d know about it. There is worldwide networking (both on and off the Internet) between people with chronic pain. If something worked, we would KNOW. Its definitely not for lack of trying. If, after reading this, you still feel the need to suggest a cure, then so be it. I may take what you said and discuss it with my doctor.
If I seem touchy, its probably because I am. It’s not how I try to be. As a matter of fact, I try very hard to be “normal.” I hope you will try to understand my situation unless you have been in my shoes, but as much as possible, I am asking you to try to be understanding in general.
In many ways I depend on you — people who are not sick. I need you to visit me when I am too sick to go out. Sometimes I need you to help me with the shopping, cooking or cleaning. I may need you to take me to the doctor or to the store. You are my link to normalcy. You can help me to keep in touch with the parts of my life that I miss and fully intend to undertake again, just as soon as I am able.
I know that I ask a lot from you, and I thank you for listening. It really does mean a lot.
- Author Unknown
Monday, October 6, 2008
All in all it's just another brick in the wall.
to hold your hand
I want you
to hold mine
instead of playing
follow the leader
carry my baggage
be my porter
let me wash the dust
from my faded smile
and rest awhile
leave me be
and let me recharge
the well might run dry
the cabinets emptied
and where would
you all be then
in a world of wolves
© 2008 by M.Chadwick
More info here.
EDIT: Another thing I was just made aware of by my Attorney - if any of you use Blogger or Blogspot - if you place a disclaimer in the sidebar stating:
All material on this site is Copyright © 2008 by [Your Name] unless otherwise noted. All rights reserved.
it will protect anything you post on your site. You can also go in and adjust the settings on your Blog Posts in Layout and change the automated text that appears after each post to include the Copyright symbol - just be sure you have the date appearing with the Copyright.
© 2008 by [Your Name] at 10/06/2008 09:59:00 PM
Sunday, October 5, 2008
p.s. It's a bit graphic, too, so probably not the best to read while dining.
Everyone in the apartment complex I lived in knew who Ugly was. Ugly was the resident tomcat. Ugly loved three things in this world: fighting, eating garbage, and, shall we say, love.
The combination of these things combined with a life spent outside had their effect on Ugly. To start with, he had only one eye and where the other should have been was a gaping hole. He was also missing his ear on the same side, his left foot appeared to have been badly broken at one time, and had healed at an unnatural angle, making him look like he was always turning the corner. His tail has long age been lost, leaving only the smallest stub, which he would constantly jerk and twitch.
Ugly would have been a dark grey tabby, striped-type, except for the sores covering his head, neck, even his shoulders with thick, yellowing scabs. Every time someone saw Ugly there was the same reaction. "That's one UGLY cat!!"
All the children were warned not to touch him, the adults threw rocks at him, hosed him down, squirted him when he tried to come in their homes, or shut his paws in the door when he would not leave. Ugly always had the same reaction. If you turned the hose on him, he would stand there, getting soaked until you gave up and quit. If you threw things at him, he would curl his lanky body around feet in forgiveness.
Whenever he spied children, he would come running, meowing frantically and bump his head against their hands, begging for their love. If you ever picked him, up he would immediately begin suckling on your shirt, earrings, whatever he could find.
One day Ugly shared his love with the neighbor's huskies. They did not respond kindly, and Ugly was badly mauled. From my apartment I could hear his screams, and I tried to rush to his aid. By the time I got to where he was laying, it was apparent Ugly's sad life was almost at an end.
Ugly lay in a wet circle, his back legs and lower back twisted grossly out of shape, a gaping tear in the white strip of fur that ran down his front. As I picked him up and tried to carry him home, I could hear him wheezing and gasping, and could feel him struggling. It must be hurting him terribly, I thought.
Then I felt a familiar tugging, sucking sensation on my ear. Ugly, in so much pain, suffering and obviously dying, was trying to suckle my ear. I pulled him closer to me, and he bumped the palm of my hand with his head, then he turned his one golden eye towards me, and I could hear the distinct sound of purring. Even in the greatest pain, that ugly battled-scarred cat was asking only for a little affection, perhaps some compassion.
At that moment I thought Ugly was the most beautiful, loving creature I had ever seen. Never once did he try to bite or scratch me, or even try to get away from me, or struggle in any way. Ugly just looked up at me completely trusting in me to relieve his pain.
Ugly died in my arms before I could get inside, but I sat and held him for a long time afterwards, thinking about how one scarred, deformed little stray could so alter my opinion about what it means to have true pureness of spirit, to love so totally and truly. Ugly taught me more about giving and compassion than a thousand books, lectures, or talk show specials ever could, and for that I will always be thankful. He had been scarred on the outside, but I was scarred on the inside, and it was time for me to move on and learn to love truly and deeply. To give my total to those I cared for.
Many people want to be richer, more successful, well liked, beautiful, but for me, I will always try to be Ugly.
-A Washington man is facing an assault charge for allegedly smearing peanut butter on the forehead of a fellow student who is severely allergic to peanuts. Joshua Hickson, 19, slathered on the peanut butter after he learned of the victim's allergy while both were at lunch last month in Wenatchee High School. According to a Wenatchee Police Department report, Hickson took a peanut butter and jelly sandwich from another student and twice "wiped some of the inside contents" on the forehead of the victim, who did not suffer an allergic reaction as a result of the September 8 incident. When interviewed by police, Hickson admitted smearing the peanut butter on his classmate, but "claimed that he didn't think anything would happen." As first reported by the Wenatchee World, Officer Steve Evitt noted in his report that the "incident turned out to be fairly innocuous, but could have been fatal." If convicted of the misdemeanor charge Hickson faces a maximum of one year in jail and a $5000 fine.
Now - while I know how serious this could have been, having severe food allergies myself, I couldn't help but to laugh. What kind of jackass attacks someone with their edibles??? Just fuckin' punch 'em in the face, dude. Don't waste your snack.