Times... They are a changin' ?

It finally seems that it's all coming together. I have been writing and banging my head against a brick wall trying to eek out a living to no avail. Then within the past few weeks it is as though the bricks are finally giving way and falling through to something promising. I have this advice column that will hopefully come to pass - and then yesterday I received word from a publishing house that they would like me to submit a short story for publication in their magazine. Neither pay vast fortunes, but they do pay - and it does get my name out there. It's a step in the right direction. And I am ready to run. It's time. It's MY time - and by golly I am taking it.

Zonked...

I am so freakin' tired of being tired. I actually slept for a bit yesterday (after almost 4 days of being awake) and have been up since. I can not sleep no matter what I try. I have tried the whole yoga/meditation routine; warm milk; every pill known to man; pot... Nothing works. I know this has more than a lot to do with my wild ass mood swings - and my health - but what do you do when nothing you do seems to work. I just go and go until I finally just fall out and snooze for an hour or two. I hate to think what I am going to be like once I start working... Perhaps then I will have something tiring me out enough that I can actually rest. Man, I hope so. This shit is for the birds. I am sitting here wanting nothing more than to lay down and sleep for a few days, but the second I try - I am back up and running at 90 to nothing. Anyone got a frying pan and a good strong whomp to the head???

Photo by Sifudragonfly

Crazymakers

I have been having a hell of a time lately. With everything. I am frustrated with not being able to find a job for going on two months now - I am either over or under qualified for said position and just can't seem to get a fucking break. This house is literally falling down around us and is a total slum - and when you are trapped in that 24/7 it's enough to put bats in your belfry for sure. Then there are all these damn people in my life that I just can't seem to run far or far enough away from. A lot of them - thankfully - are just "on line friends" so it's an easy enough solution to just avoid them while I am online but it never fails - I will forget to block someone or be somewhere where they can tell I am on and up they pop. And away I cringe.

They are either complete and total idiots which just works my tits right off to begin with - or they are so damned needy I just want to scream. I am sick to death of needy fucking people clinging to me and sucking the life out of me. Is there some fucking Loser Beacon over my head that sends them all swarming my way? I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by telling them to piss off and leave me the hell alone - but - truth be told - that is exactly what I want to do. I understand why the Unabomber chose to live alone in a shack in the middle of nowhere. He must have had "friends" like mine. That's enough to send you into isolation with a bomb strapped to your nutsack.

I've got to figure something out. I can't avoid everyone forever - but this shit is driving me insane. I am struggling enough with my own quest of self discovery. Learning who I am and what I am wanting of life without having to validate these Crazymakers and Emotional Vampires too. I want to be selfish and validate ME for once. I am tired of trying to help everyone else swim and am just becoming water-logged in the process. Times they are a changin' - and unfortunately not everyone is going to appreciate "the new me." The one person that will though, will be myself and in the end, that is all that really matters.

Ugh.... I wish they would all just go away....

Cheers

I'm tired of being
Everything
I don't want to be
Anything
Martyr Goddess
Diva Superman
Glorified Nigger
Friend and Foe
I don't want to be
Raging like Dylan
in the dark
Plathesque
I'm tired of being
Miss Vida Standing
Chelsea's death
Mother's Failure
Grandma's pride
Fuck it
I.
Am.
Tired.
I want to shut the fuck up
and go sit down somewhere
I want to be
not nice
not pretty
not dazed
not me
Hell in a handbasket
on a midnight train to Georgia
I'm tired of being
a thousand me's
for a thousand you's
Fuck.
It.
(And fuck you, too)

Dildo

i give no shit
i have no shit to give
if i am not yours
by your fucked sideways standards
your father mother
your lover hater
your child neglected
fucked up parent
i am not yours
ever
nor ever will i be
i am mine
woman phenomenonally
man cub
child of the wolves
birth of a chicken
set to devour
your bullshit
your hatred
your false pretense
you no longer exist
i am me
i am mine
i will rise
and you
the pyre of the phoenix
will burn to cinder
ash and rubble
you will expire
never to fly again
with your manipulations
war crimes and tactics
you
my loves and hates
will vanish like
the weapons of
mass destruction
you weilded against
my broken hearth
only to watch yourself
ass in the air
like the power bottom bitch
that you really are
slapped down like the whore
that you love
with your double ended dildo
of life

Twenty Answers

I found this on Ultra's blog on Tribe and it took me back. Made me remember some things I hadn't thought about in years - some good - some bad - some simply "Oh yeah..."

Reminds me of the last line of the book by William Peter Blatty: "In forgetting, they were trying to remember."

1. Who was your first love?
• Keith Clayton - when I was like 5 or 6 - I just thought he was The Shit

2. Who was your first kiss and when?
• This one I really don't remember - how sad

3. Who was your first prom date?
• Erica - she was my ex-girlfriend's girlfriend - and my ex-girlfriend brought my then boyfriend - my school wouldn't allow same sex couples so we got around it

4. Who was your first room mate?
• Cresta when I was like 15 - worst roommate ever - not that that has improved much with time

5. What was your first job?
• let's just call it "Sales" shall we?

6. What was your first car?
• big ass Pink '67 Caddy land yacht - I loved that car

7. When did you go to your first funeral?
• 1986 when my sister died

8. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown?
• 16

9. Who was your first grade teacher?
• Mrs. Harris

10. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane?
• Was either from Lubbock to Waco - or vice versa

11. Where did you go for your first date and who was it with?
• My first "real date" was probably Barbara Marler - because no one else would date us!

12. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with?
• Kristi Reid - to smoke

13. Who was your first best friend and are you still friends with them?
• Barbara Marler - an no - and Krisit Reid - and yes, we still talk

14. Who was the first person to send you flowers?
• Okay - this is pathetic - but I sent them to myself

15. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents house?
• I think the first time was the... Sanatorium! Seriously - I was like 12 or so and addicted to coke so they locked me up to dry out... And I loved it there - I didn't want to go home

16. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day?
• I don’t call people after a bad day

17. Who's wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen?
• Never done that

18. What is the first thing you do in the morning?
• Go to bed

19. What was your first career choice?
• I was going to be the next Mikhail Baryshnikov

20. What was your first sport?
• Dance, I guess? or Soccer if you want a "real " sport

And that was me, then....

Swingin'

Well, I think I have the hang of things over here now. It's relatively easy to post dang near anything and I think it's full customizable via HTML - which will be fun when I have the time and energy (and patience) to create my own layout.

But overall I dig the prefab one that I have for now. Heavens knows I will change it on a daily basis anyway.

And I REALLY dig the autosave feature - I am not Jesus - I do not save - so that's a nifty neato plus that it does it for me in the event of a crash. And since I am really on a dinosaur's ass and not a real computer - I can use all the savin' I can get.

More soon.

Who the FUCK stole my cookies???

I am NOT eating all this healthy shit!

fired hydrant

why won't the bleeding stop
when you've certainly removed
your knife from my back
and prettied yourself up again
to look like the tart that you are
and claim to hate
and I realize
as your blade
tore through my spine
crippling me
it pierced my heart
the only thing I had left to offer
now spews forth
with your puerile disciples
dancing in its spray
red slicked children
reveling in the summer's heat

cheat

I felt your faith splatter
across my face
stinging my eyes
and I knew the lies
were true
another had invaded
your escapades
teaching you new
ways to swish a hip
bump and grind
let it slide
you failed miserably
at the one test
you had to pass
monogamy
so while you sleep
with a razor blade's kiss
i remove the offense
rendering you faithful
making it impossible
for you to fail me again

untitled

I stand
exhausted
danced to death
trampled
in the faerie circle
i dared to re enter
waiting for the mother's ship
to flutter by
and carry me
from this mud trodden
bus stop
i feel my back cracking
wings unfurling
in glorious rebellion
and i realize i can fly
myself home
to my family and away
from these earth bound
fae ways of judgment
and i suddenly
find myself
at Tara
amongst kin
singing to save
her soul
and uniting our own
in a cacophonous flight
of butterfly magic
music
truth
and light

A Twofer

another chapter

thorn crowned
bearing truths and pasts
weighty aspirations
of dreamers
fallen short
a decade more
secure in their blankets
freeing; fleeing
remaining
barbed, branded and broken
escape inevitable
but never coming
phoenix flames
slowly burning to ash
awaiting only
another chapter

juice

you left a stain
on everyone
of my good days
splat battered
bruised memories
of a time
that never truly was
of a person
I never knew
not in the sense
I believed
your venom hidden
beneath a veneer
of good intentions
though in the end
your shelled shock dropped
leaving you more alone
than your attempts
at my isolation

(r)evolution

in chains and changed
time dragging
like a dying clock
days devoid
of sunlight and earth
wrapped in
concrete and steel
cacophony and silence
so the gypsy lies
imprisoned
sleeping more
eating less
waiting for the power
of three times three
to play out
its hourglass minutes
until darkened fires
can be relit
cauldrons filled
and the magic
once again restored
from the ash of the child
she once was
and never will be
again

the weeds win

in the springtime
of his voodoo
possibilities seems to rise up
from the earth dancing
only to reveal themselves
to be the weeds returning
again
choking out the living forces
suffocating with their roots
entwined around hearts and throats
piercing fingers
and faith with their brambles

he lets them grow
exhausted and defeated
in the dark and cold
weary of the struggle
to clear the flowerbeds
daisies and tulips
now long gone
from inattention
and lost hope

No Escape

I don't remember where I stole this pic from, so if it's yours - sorry. It just so stuck me. That is so what I am feeling at this point in my life. I find the exit only to discover it's not an exit. I am stuck in some fucked up crowded Wal-Mart with poo flinging monkeys at every turn. Wandering around the proverbial desert on that damned anonymous horse. I know I wanted this journey. I welcomed it. I enjoy the path of discovery - but damn, this road is fucking dusty as all hell and my ass is tired. Where is the fucking rest stop??? And where the hell is the damned exit? Or is there one?

Some of us are drawn to the color Red like a bull in Spain, relentless, fixed, and pure. Less than four percent of the world population has naturally red hair. That is less than two percent in America. The gene for Ginger hair was discovered in 1995 and this discovery got little attention. This is not consistent as red heads have gotten lots of it. Some negative such as the association with witches and a crazy temper. Some are positive, such as our love for Lucy, The Little Mermaid, and the Feminist icon of Lilith, the first wife of Adam who insisted on sexual equality. So many deceptive MYTHS are of common knowledge concerning the crimson strand. Read up on the TRUE history of this striking genetic endowment.

Sixty percent of women who dye their hair do so at home. Of them twenty six percent choose to go blonde, twenty seven percent go basic brunette, and thirty percent choose to become redheads. The sale of at home red dye kits has gone up seventeen percent since the year two thousand hit.

Professor Jonathan Rees conducted a study of redheads at Edinburgh University.He identified the”gene for red hair” the melanocortin 1 receptor (MC1R), found on the 16th chromosome. He found that this single gene was responsible for red hair.

Red hair is a genetic mutation.

Red hair is seen on the heads of only four percent of people. Most of these exist in the U.K., the Republic of Ireland, and Australia.

The highest percentage of natural redheads in the world is in Scotland (13%), followed closely by Ireland with 10%. In the US, about 2% of the population are natural redheads.

There is a belief that redheads are prone to industrial deafness. This actually could be true as the melanocytes are found in the middle ear.

The color Green tempers red. Look at a color chart. This is why redheads are taught as children to wear lots of green. As if red hair is a shameful state of being.

In the early 1600’s, at the end of the reign of Queen Elizabeth I, the belief of Pixies (aka fairies) emerged in southwest England. They were then and have since been strongly associated with red hair for their mischievousness and otherworldly talents.

A 2002 study found that redhead are harder to sedate than any other people requiring twenty percent more anesthesia. Inadequate doses cause people to wake up during surgery and have increased recall of procedures. (I can vouch that study is accurate)

Adults have about 120,000 hairs on their head; redheads have fewer, blondes have more, brunettes have the most.

Harvard Dermatologist Madhu Pathak calls redheads “three-time losers” because their red pigment is an inadequate filter of sunlight and their skin is more susceptible to sunburn, skin cancer and wrinkling with age. Wear your sun block !!! We are not losers though.

Red headedness is, genetically speaking, a recessive trait. It may appear after several generations of darker hair.

Redheads don’t turn grey. Red hair turned sandy, then white. They are also found to loose their color later in life than people carrying other hair colors.

The perception of the color red, scientifically speaking, enhances the viewers metabolism and increases heart rate and respiration.

The first human redheads walked this earth about 50,000 years ago in Africa and then spread throughout Northern Europe.

The country name of Russia means “land of reds” in honor of a redheaded Viking by the name of Rurik.

Red-haired Clowns have their origins in Russia.

From the 1930’s to 1950;s in Cassville, Missouri, there existed a women’s basketball team called “The Redheads.” For a while they became the talk of the country and a much sought after exhibition team compared to the Harlem Globe trotters. It is important to note that they were not natural red heads, at least not all of them.

In the late 16th century, the fat of a redheaded man was an essential ingredient for poison.

Adams first wife Lilith, always depicted as a redhead, is known to have refused to lie beneath Adam during sexual intercourse, and stated” why should I lie beneath you when I am your equal since both of us were created from dust” –Patai

At St. Paul’s cathedral in London, figurines tell the story of the fall in the Garden of Eden. Adam points one hand to the forbidden fruit and the other to a golden haired Eve. Then the arch angel drives them from the garden. Adam with his fig leaf loops his arm around Eve who is now cowering and sporting a main of long red hair.

Similarly in the paintings of the Sistine Chapel in 1874, Michelangelo’s Temptation depicts a brown haired Eve being handed a red apple by a red headed bare breasted serpent woman (Satan manifested as woman of course carries red hair). In the adjacent fresco Eve is thrown out of the garden with a shameful face and a twist of red hair.

Eves’ red hair is seen as the stain of sin like the original scarlet letter. Later her son, Cain, will bare the red hair and also a fall from grace.

The first redheaded British monarch was a woman. Boudicca was a Celtic warrior was led her people, the Icenti, against the Romans in the C.E. 60’s.

Belief that redheads are witches is a folk belief in Germanic culture. From 1483-1784 thousands of suspected witches were nearly always stripped and searched for “marks of the devil”. These included any “abnormality” such as freckles, moles, warts, and birthmarks. Red hair was certainly considered an abnormality. Considering the freckle factor for redheads this was a deadly and shocking horror. Somewhere around 45,000 women were tortured and murdered usually by burning at the stake or by drowning.

The Egyptians regarded the color as so unlucky that they had a ceremony in which they burned red-headed maidens alive to wipe out the tint- Claudie De Lys.

British Press recently reported that that the MC1R (redhead gene) will be used in DNA testing to rule out, or in, if suspected killers in crime scenes are redheads. This will narrow a search if the gene is found to a small percentage of perpetrators. The hope is that next skin color and physical features will be detectable.-Marion Roach

In central Africa’s Cameroon redheaded albinos, called Nguenguerous, are believed also to come by this color by menstrual intercourse. The UN and other world organizations have studied and advocated for their rights as there have been allegations of the ritual murders in some regions of Africa.

Archaeological digs in the Chinese desert of Takla Makan found mummified redheads dating back 3,000 years.

An Irish judge in 2001 fined a man for disorderly conduct stating “I am a firm believer that hair coloring has an effect on temper and your coloring suggests you have a temper.”

Redheads have always been thought untrustworthy. Judas is most always depicted as a redhead displaying the prejudice against red hair.

The Romans kept red haired slaves, and at a higher price.

Adolph Hitler reportedly banned the marriages of two redheads as he feared their children would be “deviant offspring”.

“Ill beat you like a redheaded stepchild”. This phrase was born out of the American south and implies the status of illegitimate offspring with a white master.

At some point in history Brahmins were forbidden to marry redheads.

In France, to be redheaded is thought to be a fate so dire that some women have formed a “Proud to be Red” association.

Red haired children have been historically branded as offspring of “unclean” sex. This has earned them taunts such as “red-knob” or “tampon tops.”

Bees are thought to sting redheads more than others.

In Denmark it is an honor to have a redheaded child.

In Corsica, if you pass a redhead in the street you are to spit and turn around.

In Poland, if you pass three red-heads you’ll win the state lottery-Sylvia Stevez

In Greek Mythology, redheads turn into Vampires when they die.

During the Spanish Inquisition flame colored hair was evidence that its owner had stolen the fire of hell and had to be burned as a witch.

Russian tradition declares that red hair is both a sign that a person holds a fiery temper and craziness.

A Russian Proverb warns “There was never a saint with red hair.”

Folklore in Liverpool states that meeting a redhead at the beginning of a journey is a terrible luck and bad omen. If you came upon one while still on dock or aboard the ship, you are smart to return home.

In English and Scottish tradition when the New Year arrives, your “first caller” will bring you luck. Brunettes bring the best luck. Blondes bring no luck at all. A widower brings bad luck. A redhead brings the worst luck. This “first footing” custom was so strongly practiced at one time that some homes would hire first callers.

Aristotle was known to believe that redheads were emotionally unhousebroken.

A French Proverb states that “redheads are either violent or false, and usually are both.”

Violent, false, and never Saints...  That certainly explains a lot!