Monday, January 14, 2008


I have been having a hell of a time lately. With everything. I am frustrated with not being able to find a job for going on two months now - I am either over or under qualified for said position and just can't seem to get a fucking break. This house is literally falling down around us and is a total slum - and when you are trapped in that 24/7 it's enough to put bats in your belfry for sure. Then there are all these damn people in my life that I just can't seem to run far or far enough away from. A lot of them - thankfully - are just "on line friends" so it's an easy enough solution to just avoid them while I am online but it never fails - I will forget to block someone or be somewhere where they can tell I am on and up they pop. And away I cringe.

They are either complete and total idiots which just works my tits right off to begin with - or they are so damned needy I just want to scream. I am sick to death of needy fucking people clinging to me and sucking the life out of me. Is there some fucking Loser Beacon over my head that sends them all swarming my way? I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by telling them to piss off and leave me the hell alone - but - truth be told - that is exactly what I want to do. I understand why the Unabomber chose to live alone in a shack in the middle of nowhere. He must have had "friends" like mine. That's enough to send you into isolation with a bomb strapped to your nutsack.

I've got to figure something out. I can't avoid everyone forever - but this shit is driving me insane. I am struggling enough with my own quest of self discovery. Learning who I am and what I am wanting of life without having to validate these Crazymakers and Emotional Vampires too. I want to be selfish and validate ME for once. I am tired of trying to help everyone else swim and am just becoming water-logged in the process. Times they are a changin' - and unfortunately not everyone is going to appreciate "the new me." The one person that will though, will be myself and in the end, that is all that really matters.

Ugh.... I wish they would all just go away....