Friday, September 12, 2008

I am not going to drink today.

And I didn't drink yesterday, either. This is how I am going to have to do it, I think. Just one day - one step - at a time. If I go beyond that, I get overwhelmed. I end up talking myself into the 'fuck it' mentality of "well I am gonna fuck it up and drink anyway so I might as well drink now - so fuck it."

It's such a difficult process. I am embarrassed about being an alcoholic, but not enough so that I stop drinking. I just drink alone. I also go to great lengths to drink alone so that no one knows. I time my drinking to when I know no one will bother (or catch) me and drink as much as I possibly can before I have to be around anyone. What a way to live.

Getting off the drugs (coke, heroin, meth) was so much easier than this. It's too easy to get alcohol. The store is two blocks away - and a 40 is only two bucks.

But I am not going to drink today.