Sunday, July 26, 2009

Rabbit Tales: Giving Thanks (Away)

Last thanksgiving, my mother, who can't cook to save her life (Bless her Heart) decided she was going to make the turkey. My sister called me almost in tears in a total freak out hysterical panic to inform me of this. (I already had another turkey that I was cooking so it really was not THAT big of a deal.)

I told Belle not to wet herself as I was still making my turkey. All was (relatively) well. Well Mimi (mom) found out I was still making the turkey and refused to speak to ANY of us. We had to keep chasing our eyes down the street as they kept rolling out of our heads - but with Mimi this is not all that unusual. She's a little "Miss Scarlet!! Miss Scarlet!!" melodramatic.

Anyway, turkey day comes and we're having the festivities at Belle's house. Mimi is protestingly late so we all can noticed her extreme displeasure in her lack of culinary talent. She finally shows up about an hour late with much fanfare with her four little rat-sized dogs (tea cup Maltese) in tow (creating said fanfare).

We've already got the table set and so on - but Mimi yanks the centerpiece off the table and sets it on the floor and proceeds to chunk down her GIANT ASS TURKEY - still covered mind you - right in the center of the table. I thought she'd gotten confused and cooked an entire calf instead and Bessie was out in the field lookin' for her baby. How Mimi carried the son of a bitch I will never know.

With a drag queen's flourish she yanks the cover off to reveal the blackest mother fuckin' turkey you have ever seen in your life. And, honey, it wasn't seasoning that made that sucker black. It was the good old fashioned fires of hell that burnt that poor bird to oblivion. Needless to say, eyes bugged out as we tried to silently figure out how the hell we were gonna get around this one. Silently, that is, except for my damned baby brother. James David lost it. HYSterics. Snorting, farting, crying, knee slapping hysterics.

Then Mimi lost it and let him have it with a string of expletives that would make a Sailor's asshole pucker. At which point all hell broke loose - my other sister joined in the roaring laughter with James David - Belle started bawling - the dogs are going apeshit - my twin nephews at this point are hiding UNDER the table (smart guys, those two).

Mimi then proceeds to rip the turkey out the pan with her bare hands - kicks the back door open, shattering the window in the process - and HURLS the turkey into the back yard.

Where it LANDS on one of her rat dogs...

And knocks the dog the fuck out.

We (Mimi and I) ended up spending the rest of thanksgiving at the vet's office with an unconscious wad of fur.

Gotta love crazy southern families.

And yes, the damn dog was fine.