Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Snark on this, Santa!

Someone somewhere posted/created/blogged this and then posted it on one of my socially awkward networks - and bodily threatened that were I to be a Scrooge McDick and not pass it along, rabie infested reindeers would fly up my tah-tah (I don't even know what a tah-tah is) and do great heaving damage to my innards whilst chanting the chorus to 'Jerimiah was a Bullfrog."  So, in fear of the wrath of rectum ravaging rabid reindeer, here goes:

What is your favorite Christmas movie?
Now hold onto to your bloomer because this will probably shock the poop right outta your pooter, but I really love It's a Wonderful Life.  Gets me everytime!!!

What is your LEAST favorite Christmas movie?
Pick one - any one - on that damn Lifetime (Not really a) Movie Network.  Hot tranny on a Tricuit they make some kuh-rap on that channel, don't them.  The Three-Legged Dog in Tinsel Who Ate the Ass Raping Christmas Bandit and Saved the Day for all the Limbless Blind Children on Christmas Morn.  WTF?  Just stop.

What is your favorite Christmas song?
I'lla Hava Uh Bluuuuuua Christmasa without Chew...  (Sorry, I love Elvis...) Or that one that Bon Jovi did awhilago where his ass looked so good in the video with that model chick with the growth on her lip...  What was it?  Please come home for Christmas and cut this thing off my face?

What Christmas song(s) drives you crazy?
Anything by those damned Chipmunks.  Singing vermin?  Not so much.  All I want for Christmas is not to get rabies. Where's the Orkin dude?

What is your favorite Christmas drink? (i.e. egg nog, hot chocolate)
Homemade Hot Cocoa, I guess.  I dunno.  But you really do not want to imbibe this bunny.  It gets not so cute.

What is your favorite Christmas memory?
My first Christmas with my ex-husband was a hoot.  He had grown up in state care and had never had a tree or stockings or any of that stuff... I hid EVERYthing until Christmas Eve and set it all up after he'd gone to bed.  We lived in an old, old house and the only heat was in the front room so he woke up to a fully decked out Drag Queen Christmas.  Was like watching a little kid.  Then the cat did her flying squirrel routine RIGHT INTO THE TREE and knocked the whole thing over on top of us...  Haven't laughed THAT hard in a long while...

What is the best toy/gift you've received on Christmas?
I was homeless the year I was 15, and staying in a laundromat to keep warm.  It was hella cold that year.  And some gal came in, her name was Natalie, and we got to talking.  She took me back to her home - a total stranger - and I spent that Christmas Eve with her and her family.  It touched me so deeply and has stayed with me always.

What is the worst toy/gift you've received on Christmas?
I got a leopard print, cow shaped (with udders) coffee mug one year.  I actually am rather fond of it and do seem to recall squealing in unadulterated and tasteless joy when I received it - but is sure is a big ol' honkin' wad of tacky (which is probably why I love it - only sparkles could make it betterer).

What do you LOVE about the holidays?
There is not much I don't love about the holidays.  I am one of those people.  I do not care for the Holiday Edition People of Wal-Mart though - that is a whole lot of hateful WTF and put yo' damn teef in yo' face.

What annoys you about the holidays?
Annoys?  Not much.  Freaks me the fuck out?  Grown ass men in red velvet disguise coercing the random small child to sit on their lap and whisper in his ear.  You keep your damned fur trimmed goodie sack away from my little Timmy's toy caboose - you scary ass bearded dude!!!

"Mr. Manson, it's time to go back to your cell now..."

Do you prefer star or angel on top of a Christmas tree? Or something else?
I usually put a stocking cap on my.  What if the poor tree's noggin' gets cold sitting there blinkin' and sparklin' all month??? Poor thing.

What is your family favorite recipe at Christmas?
Mimi's Smokin' Puddin'!!!  Really more for the memory now than the munchery - but I do loves me some smokin' puddin'!

Are you a Grinch or a Who at Christmastime?
I am a Hooey Grinch!  But I don't Grinch much, really.  The Grinchity ones usually tell me to shove it up my hooter before it's all said and done.

Christmas light displays - Love them or Hate them?
Love love love.  I am a retired Drag Queen, c'mon now.  Like you have to ask.  Hell I think I have WORN Christmas lights at one point (or twenty).  "If you wanna make it, twinkle while ya shake it!"  (Name THAT tune!)

Santas at the mall - Fun times or Creepy?
Lordes, Jesus, Marie and Jose.  It think I covered this one already.

Christmas cards - do you send them, yes or no?
I usually make my own and send them.  But being a broke ass Ho (Ho Ho) with no room at my inn and the governmentally postal bastards butt poking you and wanting to get licked at fitty cents a pop - all you get from me this year is a "Yo Ho!  Make it happy!"

What is the best thing about Christmas, in your opinion?
I love that at least for a little while each year (most) everyone takes the giant peppermint stick out of their ass and treats each other just a little bit nicer, smile just a little bit more, and hugs their Mamas. 

What is the worst thing about Christmas?
Oh let's not. Shall we?  Can't we just have bests?  I think so.  Worsts give me gas and make me say "fuck" and "shit" and "well, damn it" a lot.

When do you put the tree up and take it down?
I would put it up on my birthday if I could (in June!!!) and decorate it hot pink and orange until after Maim, Slaughter & Eat Day - but people get annoyed with me and my decorations.  (I hung decapitated doll heads with Indian headdresses on it one year to make a point.  People were pointedly offended.)  Then I would deck it out for Christmas.  I never take it down until after Epiphany at the very earliest, though.

Out of the 12 Days of Christmas, which day and item would you want your true love to give to you?
I'll take an order of 11 Pipers Piping - but only if they're cute - and well versed in their pipery!

Why do you think that Grandma got run over by a reindeer?
It was a conspiracy.  That creepy ass perv in the red suit and plastic beard from the mall shoved her into oncoming traffic because she taught her kids to "just say NO!" (and kick 'im in the nads!)

Who is your favorite reindeer?
The snarky one with the bad teeth and twisted sense of humour?  Oh wait, am I a reindeer???

Do you believe in Santa Claus?
As long as I can yank on his beard to verify his authenticity!

What is your favorite smell at Christmastime?
Anything other than ball sweat in pantyhose??? 

What would make you happy at Christmas this year?
Peace, love and hair grease!  And Ally McBeal.

Okie dokie... 

Well, that was fun. 

Now that you have read, you have to do - or I am sending those frothy mouthed ass reindeer your way. 

You better watch out.  I know when you are sleeping. 

And I don't even have to wear the creepy red disguise!