I am truly feeling the pull of the Universe on my life lately. There is an urgent and impending sense of change. And I want it more than anything. I am ready for it, yet I am stuck. I don't know where to turn; what to do. The last few years have been terribly troublesome. I have undergone so, so many transitions. I went from living the high life, though at the time, I was blinded to it. I was making beaucoup coin, and a good job with so much promise. Problem was, I was a raging alcoholic. I lost my job. I lost my townhouse. And I made the mistake of moving back to the one black hole of despair that I fought most of my teenage years to get away from. The drinking escalated even further (and who would have even thought that possible?). I became a drug addict AGAIN - meth this time. I had a breakdown. I literally just fell apart. I laid on my futon and let the garbage literally pile up. There for a bit, I really think I lost my mind. And something in me just broke...
Long story short, it led me back here. I am not drinking now. I am clean. No drugs. And I am trapped. There are days when I miss it so badly, just because it made the world go away. I am clinging desperately to hope. Hope that things will get better. Hope that things will change. I am in such a state that I really just weep some days because I don't know how to fix it. My physical being is such that I have difficulty standing for more than the briefest of spans of time. I have nerve damage in my feet now. It's a pain unlike anything I have ever endured. And it is constant. This limits where I might work. My back is unsurprisingly not getting better all by itself. There are days when I want nothing more than just to be still... To not move... But, yet, even that hurts. It affects my entire body. I have arthritis in dang near every part of me. Simply things like sitting, typing, bathing are often times excruciating. I could go on. Migraines. Ulcers. And we won't even start with my teeth... Or my lack there of... Pain. Pain. Pain. And then I am told - "Just go to the doctor." Well, having no insurance or income makes those options limited as well. The clinic only offers appointments on certain days. I have to take the bus into town to get there. And wouldn't you know, it always falls on the days when it seems a victory to make it to the toilet and back to bed - much less hours away via public transportation... I can't seem to win.
But despite it all, I really do try to stay positive. I try to remember that it could be worse. I am alive. I am functional (for the most part). I believe that what you put out, comes back. Truly. But I am surrounded by a barrage of negativity from every angle... It's like a constant attack. My roommate does not like me very much. She likes herself even less. And, I guess, were I her and living her life, I wouldn't either... But I catch the brunt of it. It seems she is constantly trying to break me down; keep me beaten. I get constant snarky remarks thinly disguised as humour, though they never are. It's blatantly apparent passive agression. Which, because I recognize for what it is, I am usually able to deal with. Usually. But after a while, it does wear you down. It does break your spirit. It's so disheartening because when times were good, they were great. We were once fearless and reckless and ready to take on the world. I keep hoping it will come back to that. That one day it will be THAT again. The queer and the crazy girl. But now I find it easier to just hope the world will end. I got an actual compliment - not a back-sided cutesy insult, an actual compliment - yesterday and it startled me so that I literally dropped my spatula into the eggs I was scrambling. I mumbled something incoherent because I was just so stunned...
And then, in its own cloud of the negative, there is my family which has become a constant cess pool of drama. Everyone is ALWAYS fighting with someone else. And guess who hears all of it from all sides - and gets caught in the crossfire? Yours truly. Earlier this year, one sister and my mother weren't speaking. People were dead to one another. Absences were felt at the holidays. Now, it's the other sister. Petty, bullshit drama. This family is so attention deficient. Sooner or later if everyone keeps getting angry with everyone else for not paying enough or the proper attention to them, there will be no one to be angry with anymore!!! Gonna run out of people to be upset with. It's exhausting.
So how does one stay positive in the middle of all this? How, exactly, do you just say "Fuck It!" and stay sane in the midst of all the chaos and funk and drama and physical restrictions???Is it even possible? I am beginning to have my doubts. It seems so much easier to just be as ugly and dramatic and chaotic and negative as all those around me.
But that is not me. I, in and within myself, am actually a really happy little creature. I sing all day long. I dance (well more kind of wiggle stumble) whenever the mood strikes. I love living colour. I never used to be this destroyed...
I want that back. I just don't know how...
