Saturday, October 11, 2008

Go Directly to Jail... Do Not Pass Go...

A year later... One year ago today I was walking into my jail cell. I had actually been at the jail for two days - but spent the first 48 hours in a holding cell with a sea of what one might call humanity and a broken toilet. It was pretty slick of the jailers, actually - because by the time you actually got OUT of there and into your actual cell, you were so thankful just to be in someplace new. The crappy metal bed was such a relief after being on the hard floor or sleeping standing up that it made you very gracious for your new surroundings.

I remember the days leading up to my incarceration everyone kept telling me not to worry. It was all going to be okay. I wouldn't really go to jail. But some part of me knew such was not the case. In my soul I knew I would. I really think it freaked everyone else out more than me. At some level I had already accepted it and made as much peace as I could with the whole idea.

And then - there I was. Locked up. And, truth be told, I didn't mind it. Worst part of it was the constant racket and lights on all the damn time - but other than that, no biggie. I fell into the routine so quickly. I went to "work." I did my job. It was a routine. I knew what to expect. I knew what was expected of me. I spent my days counting the hours until my release.

Yet when that day came - I didn't want to go home. I remember sitting there that morning at about 4 a.m. wishing - hoping - something would come up and they wouldn't let me go. That maybe someone somewhere had screwed something up and I would have to stay longer. No such luck. Five o'clock came and my name was called and within the hour I was back on the outside. And I couldn't have been more disappointed.


Though I wouldn't do anything to go back (now) and it's not my desire to be in jail - I do still visit those feelings. I am really not sure what it was that appealed to me so much. A combination of stability and routine that was so contradictory to my life as it was on the outside? A freedom from the lunacy of the people in my life? I don't know.

I'm glad I went. I won't go back. But I am glad I went.