Tuesday, February 2, 2010

A Month of Me: Day 7 (Slap me with a ten inch dick - Or, watch Rabbit go screaming from his own life.)

Well good fucking gracious.  Ever have one of THOSE days?  Today made those days look like backroom sex with Captain Kangaroo.  Trust.

I got up bright and early (and really fucking cold) to go mail some stuff at the post office.  Easy enough.  I'm standing there trying to figure out which hole to cram my shit in when a HUGE ruckus breaks out accompanied by a blood curdling scream that would make a banshee go, "What the fuck!?!?!"  I turn around - after picking my cane and the to be mailed mail off the floor to see some whacked out bitch hyperventilating perched ON the four foot counter over the garbage can.  Who knew a grown ass woman in a pencil skirt could hop like that.  I still have no idea what the hell is going on.  Grandpa Not-So-Jolly that works there comes out right about the same time a fucking squirrel pops around the corner.  Spaz Princess FLIPS the fuck out and is now STANDING on the counter screaming incessantly.  I don't know if this happens all the time.  If the squirrel and Ol' Man Grumpy Butt are friends...  Or what, but just as calm as can be he just walks over opens the front door for the little guy and away he scampers.  Bi-fucking-zarre.  He looks at me and shrugs and goes back into the back - never once even acknowledging the now mental patient freaking the fuck out on the counter...  Surreal.  I am just standing there in shock.  Muffy finally climbs down and rights herself with a "Hmph!" and goes into the front office area.  Lawd knows what ensued there...  I mail my shit and get the fuck out - still not real sure if what just happened really happened.  My life is never ending.  

Then - I found religion.  

And a pair of shitty draws.  Went and did a bit of shopping for this week and called a cab to come back to the motel.  They sent a cab.  What they forgot to send was a driver.  Instead I got the Owl from the Tootsie Roll commercials.  This woman was seriously, maybe 5 feet tall if she was lucky and wearing stilts.  She had to lean UP to see over the steering wheel.  And was sporting glasses that would make a coke bottle jealous.  I almost just walked back right then and there - schlepping my ground chuck on my damn back.  Did I mention that I am terrified of riding in cars.  Not just nervous.  Serious vehicular phobia.  But, I cowboy up and get in anyway...  And away we go.  AT WARP FUCKING SPEED across the parking lot.  I am not sure she is going to stop at the road.  We schooch up.  She kinda glances both ways - and GUNS it.  Straight across four lanes of oncoming traffic - BOTH WAYS!!!  And not even into the little turn in place across the way!  Just straight across - into the parking lot across the street...  Cuts through THAT parking lot and we're on the street on the backside of my motel.  I don't say a word.  I pray.  I chant.  I shit myself.  I clutch my meat.  The stop light to turn into the motel is immediately adjacent to the parking lot.  IMMEDIATELY.  The light is yellow.  She guns it again and shwipps into the lot.  This is not where I need to be, but I can hoof it from here.  Never been so happy to see the ground.  

Then - the bathroom floods.  Not just a little water.  A good 6 inches of standing water.  Through the wall.  Soaking the carpet.  In the closet.  I go down to ask for a mop - which this place doesn't have.  I explain the problem and Habib just stares at me like I am speaking Portuguese through my pee hole.  I ask for towels.  I get three hotel grade hand towels.  Needless to say, the floor is still wet.  Fortunately it is just clean water - I am not hurtling turds or anything.

But fuck if it hasn't been a day.  How was yours???