Sunday, January 24, 2010

A Month of Me: Day 1

This is a project I am going to attempt do really just to see what happens.  I have been having such a difficult time not only finding my voice here on the blog - but my place in my world IRL as well.  This project was inspired by Kylee Lane's "Working on my first 60 days of mental exploration" who was inspired by Stacy's "500 Days of Stacy."  I've decided to do a mere thiry first because 500 is far too daunting and I know me well enough to know that I don't think I would actually make it through a year plus, and I figure a month is a good gauge to see where it goes and how beneficial it will be.

I have been bound and fucking determined that 2010 is going to be a better year.  But, if I am to be honest, it doesn't feel a whole hell of a lot better than the last ten thus far.  We're living in a hotel.  I am still unemployed.  We're barely scraping by at best.  All of my friend have run - or been run - off.  I am barely speaking with any of my family anymore.  It's not even walking through life on eggshells anymore.  It's more like a mine field of dog shit.  K. is planning on going to New Mexico to pick up the truck her parents have allegedly promised her and I just have this gut feeling she won't be coming back.  I may just be being paranoid or what have you (abandonment issues, perhaps?), but it's just this nagging instinct that I can't shake.  And it's stressing me the fuck out.  Big time.  Which maybe that is what needs to happen.  I dunno.  But it does not help my blood pressure one bit.  I feel so jangled and like I am coming completely to pieces.

All in all though, it's honestly not completely hopeless and dismal as I tend to make it sound.  I have several job prospects.  I have to call a gal on Monday to set up an interview for an Admin Assist position in some advertising something or other position.  I just hope she doesn't want to see me before Thursday because I don't even have bus money at this point this week.  I am also going for a position at an animal hospital just up the road that I really, REALLY want.  It would be the absolute perfect job for me - so I am hopeful for that too.

While realistically, it doesn't feel any better than the last few years, I, personally, feel different.  I feel positive.  I find myself looking forward to what lies ahead, rather than dreading it (for the most part - it's just scary).  I am sure that much of that has to do with being clean and sober and off all the drugs and booze.  Even this far removed from all of that and the world it entails, I am still in the learning and adjusting process as to how to deal with things and function like the rest of the world without that crutch.  It never goes away.  It gets easier.  But it never goes away.

But anyway - that's where I am.  Paranoid about being abandoned.  Hopeful for the future.  Cynical about the past.  Confused as all matters of hell about the conflict of emotion and circumstance that swirls about like the house that fell on my sister...

Day 1.

Can't wait to see where I am in 29 more days.

(I warned y'all I was gonna ramble - and say fuck a lot.)