Tuesday, January 26, 2010

A Month of Me: Day 3 (A pain in the ass - and everywhere else.)

I am so not up to this today.  I am not up for much of anything, but I am at least forcing this because I said I would.  I didn't get any sleep at all the night before (Sunday)because about the time my body wound down from being zinged up over the game, K's alarm started going off.  For three fucking hours.  So I just gave up on the prospect of sleep until she went to work - which, of course, was then daylight - and again, I couldn't sleep.  I finally fell asleep about 7:30 last night...  But nights/days like that ALWAYS fuck with my body for days afterwards.  So does, I think, sleeping on a crappy ass cheap couch for the last three months.  On a good day, I hurt.  On a day with no sleep, I feel like someone has held me down and smashed on every inch of my body with a sledge hammer - and then did it again.

This morning, I woke up to a new pain.  My fucking hips.  Never had that one before.  My hip joints in the front just ached.  And ached doesn't even begin to cover it.  It took me a good hour to get up out of bed today because it just hurt that bad to move.  I tried.  I cried.  I laid back down.  It sucks.  I don't know what the deal is.  EVERYthing is excruciating today.  It's difficult to type.  It's difficult to sit.  Laying down isn't even all that much fun.  Fuck the prospect of walking anywhere today.  I would give just about anything to have one day - just one - just 24 hours - of no pain.  And now I am having these weird ass dizzy spells and seizurey things.  I fell the fuck out New Year's Night while talking to K and flopped around like a fish for a minute.  I have always had these spells off and on.  The first one that I recall in earnest was at my mom's back in high school.  I get dizzy.  I get the wah-wahs, and I go down.  Come to a bit later and don't really remember much of the incident.  Until just now, though, I had never had a witness to it - and K said it was a seizure. And I have had two more such incidents since them - just this year.  Wonderful.  What next?  I am going to wake up and all my appendages will have fallen off and shot about the room, dangling like some serial killer's pinata from the celing fan.  Fuckin' groovy.

I don't usually get this whiney about this shit.  For the most part, I am used to it.  You work around it.  You work through it.  You hurt.  You deal.  You move on.  But it gets God damned exhausting.  It wears you out.  It wears you down. 

So that's me today.  Not a lot of fun.  Not a lot of cute.  Not exactly the most thrilling of blogs to read today.  But it's today.  Can't have a month of me and skip the sucky parts.  Wouldn't that be a big honkin' wad of awesome if you could.  "Today sucks?"  "Well, no thanks, then.  I think I'll pass."

And, I found out today that I was denied my disability...  Ugh.  I can reapply but it's been a months and months long process this time around.  I have heard tale though that this is often the case.  First timers almost always get denied.  But the gal I have been working with has given me the information for a group that helps you with all this shit.  Fun stuff. 

And the kick in the nuts as to the "official" reason why I was denied.  I missed a doctor's appointment.  In OC-FUCKING-TOBER.  Want to guess when I first heard about it?  TO-mother-fucking-DAY.


Fuck them.

Round two to commence.