Friday, January 8, 2010

Product Warning: The Fires of HELL - In Yo' Face

Unless you are a masochist and enjoy interminable torture, stay the hell away from Walmart's "Equate Extra Moisturizing Nasal Spray."  Trust.  The ONLY reason the shit is moisturizing is because you WILL be sitting there with the water hose firmly lodged in your nose to put out the lake of fire that has since left the bowels of Hell and taking up lodging  


I have been arguing with a sinus infection for months now.  And it's winning.  I don't know where this stuff came from - it was in the medicine cabinet - I think I recall Kiki bringing it home here a while back.  I thought, however, it was one of those SALINE things.  You know Salt.  Not liquid fucking fire in a plastic bottle.

Anyway - last night/this morning at about 4, I had blown my nose 987 times to no avail.  At some point you think my brain would just come shooting out, kill me, and be done with it - but NOOO - Snot Abounds.  So I recalled that we had this stuff.  Nothing else I had taken worked.  Give it a shot, right?  Yeah...  Good idea, Rabbit.  Now did I ALSO mention that I am NOT supposed to take cold medicine - of any kind?  Yeah...  It does me like this:

Did I also mention I have ADHD and OCD to begin with?  And that it was 4 freakin' a.m.???  BAD day at the beauty parlour - lemme tell ya!

By this time my little tweaked out rabbity brain has pretty much surmised that this is not, in fact, that saline shit.  This is Kiki trying to kill me or turn me into a boogley-eyed research monkey with a twitch.  I grab the bottle to see WTH I just flushed up my head and discover that no - no saline was harmed in the making of this eyeball melting medicinal product designed by the Marquis de Sade - oh hell no - this is good ol' fashioned

Oxycontin Hydrochloric Acid 0.05% (or some such similar hell in a bottle)!!!

I now can not feel my teeth - or my lips - there is blood pouring from my eyes - I can breathe through my freakin' ears - and FIRE is shooting out my nose.  Isn't hydrochloric whatever what they boil the frogs in high school how to be a serial killer biology class?  Shit.  I literally flip on the faucet in the kitchen sink and stick my head under.  I looked like Lindsay Lohan donkey showin' an eight ball - OF WATER.  I try to calm myself down.  Sit down on the couch.  Understand what The Book of Revelation is all about now.  I wonder if praying would help.  (I think I actually DID pray at one point.)  I think Milk.  Milk helps with hot food...  Right?  Bust open the new carton of milk - and gargle.  And gargle.  And gargle.  RELIEF.  Until I spit...  And here comes Beelzebub with his flaming baton again.  All the while my heart is racing and I am shaking so bad I can barely see straight.  VASELINE!!!  (Don't ask.  I don't understand the logic (now) either - it sounded good at the time.)  I dig a big honking booger of good ol' whales ass and shove it up both nostrils - AND SNORT!!!

Have you ever snorted Vaseline?  I do NOT recommend it.  I about choked to death.  Giant wad of petroleum hell goes flying across the room and splucks onto the wall.  I don't even care at this point.  I am in tears and hysterical.  This must be kharma for picking on the fat kid in a past life.  I am not going to hell - I am experiencing it with my sinus cavity.

I ended laying in the floor and holding cold water in my mouth for as long as I could without drowning and crying like a slapped stepchild.  It helped - sort of.  Long about 7 this morning, it finally quit burning and I quit flopping like a fish out of water enough that I could get some sleep.

But fair warning - stay away from the Flaming Nose Spray from Hell.

This has been a public service announcement.

From my hairless nose to yours,