Fuck me running. Away. Now I don't like babies anyway - until they are about 35 or 40 years old. It's just a thing with me. They freak me out and make me nervous. Well, a good friend of mine just birfed one out not too long ago, and fortunately I had not had the displeasure of seeing it yet.
Until today. (Did I tell you I hate babies?) She brought the little creature over in it's car seat - all bundled up like some surprise package from the bowels of pastel hell. Already I was starting to get antsy because I knew she was gonna unwrap that fucker like a side of beef from the meat market and I was gonna have to... I dunno. Do something. Say something. Run away like Santa Claus from the other day. As long as the titties stayed in and I didn't have to partake of THAT festivity, I'd be okay.
Or so I thought. Ol' girl whooped that blanket back and it was like the fuckin' shower scene in Psycho!!!
EEEEE! EEEEEE! EEEEEE! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!
DUDE, you aint never seen nothing like this damn child. It looks like Koko the Gorilla got gang-banged by Max Headrooom and E.T.'s ugly bastard uncle and squirted spawn. Seriously.
In fear. I tried to play it off as one of those "Awwwwwwww. How cute." routines. I dunno if I was successful or not. I expected the thing's head to start spinning and pea soup to go flying everywhere.
"Here, Uncle Rabbit, do you want to hold her?" WTF?!?!?!
THAT'S A HER????? Well fuck! What do the males of the species look like? Hell!!!
I cough-coughed and feigned a cold so I didn't have to hold it. Fortunately, it had apparently been given it's tranqs for the day because it was having none of it. Went back to sleep - snoring and farting. I think I heard it growl.
I hate babies. But I think I handled this one okay.
Now, if it had come running at me, we would have had problems.
How far can you kick a baby?
And yes,I am fully aware that this post is sending me straight to hell - but there's plenty of room in my handbasket if any of you would care to join me.