Sunday, December 6, 2009

The Smoking Bun

Ever wondered what physchotic looks like?  Visit my house in the midst of one of my nic fits.  It aint cute.  Lack of nicotine turns me into something that Stephen King would tuck tail and run from.  I can't help.  Actually, in my own defense, I do make an effort to not be such ;and inversely I just get real, real quiet.  Creepy horror movie quiet.  But it's better than me biting everyone's head off because they said "Good Morning, Rabbit."  To which my first instinct is to hurl a large, heavy object at their face and reply with a "Leave me the fuck alone and die horribly in the night with your flesh erupting in boils."  Like I said, NOT CUTE.  So I just STFU and try to avoid everyone that breathes.

Cigarettes are my last vice.  I am an alcoholic in the WORST way - if it's there, I will drink it.  Same way with drugs.  It's like I turn into Mr. Vacuum Cleaner Sucker Guy and all the vodka and coke just magically disappear.  Poof!  So the fact that all I do now is smoke, I think I am doing pretty alright.  There were times when I really wasn't sure I was going to survive my addictions.  For better or worse, I did.  Now I just want a damned cigarette.

I have a friend who is obese and becoming more so.  His addiction is food.  Which is a great one to have if you're gonna have one because it's acceptable.  Society still laughs at you or cringes when they see you, but it's food.  Everyone has to eat.  He eats constantly and eats nothing but crap.   Junk food; chips; sodas; candy... Dinner when he comes home.  Then like clockwork a few hours later he's back at the trough rummaging and foraging and eating again.  It's one I don't understand because it manifests so obviously on the outside of your body.  Everyone can see that you are addicted to anything you can shovel into your face.  I would rather lose a limb than be obese.  It's my own fucked up vanity, I know.  And I know with the drugs and the drinking, it too manifests but it takes a minute - and even then, though you look like hell people aren't always 100% sure just exactly WTF it is that is wrong with you.  With being fat, there's no doubt.  When you squish into that booth and Greasy Bob's Burgers and flip your switch and the food starts flying into your pile hole like the tractor beam on the Death Star, everyone knows just exactly how you got there.  Good diet tactic for others, though.

I dunno.  I think I had a point at some point.  I just had this nicotine addiction.  I hate the headaches.  I hate the shaking.  I hate the mood swings.  One of these days, damn it.  One of these days.  Surely if I can kick coke, meth, and heroin - AND drinking - I can eventually stop smoking....  RIGHT????

Now, can I bum a cigarette from someone???