Monday, December 14, 2009

A Year in the Life of...

A little bit of seriousness (it happens) from the tidelands of a mad hatter with no head gear (that would be me).  No snark; no sarcasm (well not too much, anyway).  And I don't think there is a single "fuck" in the whole drawn out diatribe.

With 2009 coming to a close, I have been reflective of all this year has been.  This was to be a "top ten" of the lessons I have encountered over the course of the last year.  I don't think I quite made it to ten, but I have certainly unearthed some very valid realities to give me pause and to consider for the year to come.

It's funny how clearly we can see toward the future in re-examining all that has passed.

•  First and foremost, I have learned that I am a lot stronger than I tend to give myself credit for.  Simple enough.  More on that later.  This is really more of a reminder to myself than anything else.

•  I truly haven't anyone to count on - anyone to lean on - other than myself when it all comes down to it.  Which is fine because I am baby-steppin' into my own.  Sure, I have people that feign concern and offer the obligatory hand to make themselves feel better.  But we know they haven't the vaguest intent to actually follow through.  It's all conditional and inconvienant and reeks of bullshit.  Thanks but no thanks.

•  I can count the number of people in my (real, physical) life that I actually like on one hand...  With fingers left over...  And that's being generous.  And that is just sad.  I guess what I need to learn here for this coming year is how to surround myself with a better class - and stop the cycle.

•  I have learned that what you put out into the world truly does return to you.  The Wiccan Rede.  The Golden Rule.  The Law of Attraction.  Call it what you will.  It's all true.  I watch my friends struggle or succeed and I notice the direct relation of their own outcomes to how they are living their lives and what they are putting forth into the Universe.  It's hand in hand.  Staggeringly so.  Look around.  You'll see it too.

•  I've come to understand why I drink (drank).  I have realized that it was largely due to environment and circumstance.  I am not blaming my Alcoholism on anyone else - it was my own choices and actions.  But I am beginning to see the "why" of it all - and the power all the Enablers and Crazymakers added to the equation.  I also understand that no matter how far away from it that I get, I will always be an Alcoholic - even if I don't pick up that glass.  Everyday I hover at the brink - teetering on the edge of that proverbial wagon - and all it would take is that one perfectly dry martini and I would be drowning in it again.  I miss it.  I yearn for it like a heartbroken lost love.  Which is exactly why I don't.  I won't.

•  I've learned (and am learning still) that my sanity as a functional human being is so dependent on my creativity as an artist.  I've let this one slip away in recent years.  I allowed it to be stolen from me and left on the side of the road like a rape victim.  I can pinpoint when this one began.  My family destroyed this one for me - and I just sat idly by and let it happen.  During the writing of my last play, they all became completely unhinged over the content and characters (in the play).  In their ignorance (I don't think ANY of them have - even yet - actually read the play), they ripped it - and me - into to absolute shreds.  It murdered a huge part of my spirit.  It damaged my soul.  It utterly annihilated me.  We quit speaking.  I quit creating.  It took me a long time to heal...  And to be frank, I don't know that I really truly have completely - even now.  My goal is to acknowledge all of this - reclaim my spirit - my artistic self - and move forward.  "Just write," as my friend tells me.  Just paint.  Just dance.  Just create.  It's what keeps me alive.  Critics, cynics, and crybabies be damned.

It's been such a year for me.  There's more - so much more - but I will leave it here for now.  I think the greatest revelation is that I have learned that I am still learning.  With every step forward.  With every stubbed toe.  I am learning.  Now, perhaps, I need to learn how to apply the lessons...

To be continued...